The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE]

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on May 08 2002,13:15
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire..."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on May 09 2002,16:32
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Judy on May 09 2002,21:30
A woman's husband dies. He had only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went to the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three and a half carats".

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Debby on May 18 2002,16:21
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-Steven Seagal

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
-Oscar Wilde

"Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet,"
-Robin Williams

Advice for the day If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Jackie on May 18 2002,18:53
Three men were discussing their wives. "My wife tells me I'm so distinguished," said the first, "that I look like an ambassador."

"Well," replied the second. "My wife tells me I'm so intelligent-I'm the best-read man she has ever met."

"My wife's proud of me too," said the third. "Everytime a deliveryman comes to the door, she announces,'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 02 2002,04:17
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 03 2002,13:38
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself"; lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 08 2002,17:05
Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World.

The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway.

"You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 10 2002,14:17
Bill went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called "How to Master Your Wife".

Salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 13 2002,13:31
Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 17 2002,16:07
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again.

She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.

He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 19 2002,13:26
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale...."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 19 2002,13:27
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 22 2002,19:41
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a fucking cold."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 24 2002,12:01
One evening, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at an office party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

A couple of evenings later, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 30 2002,07:09
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One husband reports: "Our argument was well under way as my wife and I left the party. Once we were in the car, words were flying. My wife had really worked up a storm, and after a few choice words from me, she shouted, 'Stop the car and let me out!'"

"I pulled over to the curb. She unlocked the door and got out, but then looked around and got back in again, saying, 'Take me to a better neighborhood!'"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 30 2002,14:53
A woman's perfect breakfast.

She's sitting at the table ...
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl,
and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 04 2002,05:32
Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you're smart".

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you're smart.

Ole says, and Lena did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?

"No", says Lena, "how did you get so smart?" Sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember", says Lena.

Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 05 2002,18:28
Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space.

I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 06 2002,12:48
How do you paralyze a woman from the waist down?

Marry her.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 14 2002,20:31
A bride became annoyed by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night. "Just so we understand each other, I demand proper manners in bed, "she declared," "just as I do at the dinner table."

So the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and carefully climbed between the sheets, "Is that better?" he asked.

"Yes" his wife replied, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. " Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 15 2002,06:05
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 15 2002,09:22
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer- brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can
think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochie pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"You want some dirty words cutie pie?...here, SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN' MUG - EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS - YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE FUCKIN' BAR !!!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 26 2002,16:05
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you.",she replies.

"Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 03 2002,08:23
A new widow requested the epitaph 'Rest in Peace' for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Til We Meet Again'."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 03 2002,21:59
Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 09 2002,17:00
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 15 2002,13:19
A man and his wife have an argument and the man ends up storming out of the house. A few hours later he returns with a duck which he promptly lets loose in the kitchen where his wife is washing dishes.

"Where did you get the pig?" asked the wife.

"It's not a pig, you idiot. It's a duck," said the husband.

The wife calmly replied, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the duck."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 18 2002,17:25
After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office.

The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and a especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die." she replied.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 19 2002,09:33
A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"