The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE]

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 21 2002,14:27
John just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.

"What about my sex life?" asked John. "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 22 2002,08:59
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she began coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 01 2002,19:12
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 03 2002,15:48
Mrs. Smith hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Smith tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Tomorrow please ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day Mrs. Smith asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Smith pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Smith says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 03 2002,15:52
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that was not the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years?"

He shrugged and replied "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He lived......... and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 04 2002,13:52
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pigpen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary...

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 08 2002,09:18
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 08 2002,09:26
Once upon a time a woman died and went to heaven. When she reached the Pearly Gates she was met by St. Peter. She said, "Am I in heaven?" He said, "Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates."

"Do I get to come in?" asked the woman. St. Peter said, "Yes, if you can spell a word." "What word?" "Any word." She said, "OK, I'll spell love." She did and she was allowed to enter. A few minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, "I have to leave for a minute. Would you watch the gate?"

She looked astonished and said, "You want me to watch the gate?" St. Peter said, "Yes." She asked, "What do I do if someone comes up?" He replied, "Just what I did. Ask them to spell a word."

As she stood looking around at all the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was shocked! He walked up to the gates.

"What happened?" the wife asked. "Well," the husband replied, "I was so upset after your funeral that on the way home I had an accident and died. Am I in heaven?" "You are at the Pearly Gates," she said. "Do I get to come in?" he asked "Yes, but you have to spell a word," she said. "What word?" he asked.

"Czechoslovakia," she replied.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 08 2002,19:05
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on Sep. 09 2002,12:00
A husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work.

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick.

Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for ?"

I'm sorry, "his wife replied stiffly, ... "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 18 2002,19:01
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would freak him out of this crazy habit. So one night while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one". She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy....you explain the kids."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 18 2002,19:51
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bulls stall states: "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR".

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!".

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated "THIS BULL MATED 65 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!".

They proceed to the last bull and his sign says: "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR".

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW he mated 365 times last year, that is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one".

The fed up man turns to his wife and says "Go up and inquire if he had to fuck the same cow every day".

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 22 2002,03:42
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 25 2002,05:27
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

His mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

His father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 30 2002,16:01
She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 30 2002,20:53
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he nnounced, "Springbok."

Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion."

Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Oct. 01 2002,17:21
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar,
staring into their drinks.

One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete,
you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 03 2002,05:45
One of the photographers who works for me is quite graphic about his sexual powers. When he recently got married he took a lot of good natured ribbing from co-workers, but the funniest thing I heard came from our carpenter.

The carpenter asked "Well Casanova how many times did you make love to your new bride on your wedding night?" Delighted to be given an opportunity to brag, the photographer beamed and proceeded to not only tell how many times, but also how many ways. When he finally finished he suddenly remembered that the carpenter had just recently gotten married himself.

"Say, now that you mention it, how about you? How many times did you manage on your wedding night?" "Just once", said the grinning carpenter, "My wife wasn't used to it"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 06 2002,08:18
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.

His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?" Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 07 2002,11:08
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny,
"How come you aren't married?"

Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."

Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she's crazy."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 07 2002,17:39
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They fueled up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane . . . except, this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 08 2002,15:45
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 10 2002,18:11
Dear Tom and Ray:


First, I want to tell you how much I enjoy your column. I don't know a whole lot about cars but, your column is easy to follow and puts things in plain english. The question I have is in reference to my 1987 Honda Accord LX. I purchased it from an individual two years ago. At that time, it had 74,000 miles. To make a long story short, I live about 275 miles away from my fiancee. And in the two years I've owned this car, I've managed to put 51,000 (mostly highway) miles on it. Isn't love great? My question is should I do anything special to this car because of how many miles I'm putting on it? I change the oil and filter every 3,000 miles and check all the fluids regularly. The car is in good condition and I'd like to hold onto it for several more years. Please advise me of anything I can do for my car, short of finding a closer fiancee. Troy

Tom: Gee, Troy. These are the kinds of problems you run into when you fall in love with someone who is "G.U:" "Geographically Undesirable."

Tom: The car is the least of your worries, Troy. Highway miles are a lot easier on a car than city miles, so that helps. And changing the oil and filter every 3,000 miles is great. So you're doing all you can, there.

Ray: My one suggestion (for the car) would be to change the timing belt immediately. The timing belt controls the opening and closing of the valves. And on some cars (like this one), when the timing belt breaks, the valves can be left in "geographically undesirable" positions and get crushed by the pistons. And when that happens, it's "bye-bye engine." So it's definitely worth the $200 or so to change the timing belt.

Tom: Timing belts are supposed to last about 60,000 miles. So if the previous owner was concientious and changed it at 60,000, then according to my mileage calculations, you're due for another timing belt change in about.... five thousand miles ago!

Ray: So set two dates right away, Troy. One for the timing belt change and one for your wedding. Remember, once you're married and she moves in with you, you'll be able to drive HER car.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 10 2002,18:52
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom...

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 11 2002,17:23
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.

The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man who was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day, he rose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 11 2002,17:34
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 12 2002,17:24
Nine Relationship Rules for Women:

1. Always have something good to say about your partner.
2. Always be honest with your partner about your feelings (unless they conflict with rule #1).
3. Make "private time" for you and your partner every week and use that time to communicate.
4. When in doubt, try to be a "saint" and expect your partner to do the same.
5. Apologize when you're wrong and never let your ego get in the way of the relationship.
6. Never be vicious; always let your partner save face.
7. Be a good listener and be empathetic.
8. Do your fair share of everything in the relationship.
9. Remember, above all, to be friends.

Nine Relationship Rules for Men:

1. Never say anything nasty about your partner where she's likely to hear it (like on National Public Radio).
2. Never lie...unless you are absolutely sure you can get away with it.
3. Remember, communication is overrated. After 20 years of marriage, haven't you already said everything?
4. Learn to recognize periods of stress in your partner's life. Those are excellent times for sneaking something by her (or him).
5. Always have a variety of clever ways to get your partner to admit she's wrong.
6. Never tell your wife what car to buy. You'll hear about every little thing that goes wrong, and she'll eventually get back at you by buying a Mercedes.
7. Try not to fall asleep while your wife is spilling her guts to you. And a corollary: Don't schedule private time in public places where scantily clad women will be sure to distract you.
8. Pick household chores that you are incompetent at so they will be taken away from you quickly.
9. Don't ever let your wife know how little you actually do at work. You'll lose many a valuable excuse that way.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 14 2002,17:56
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 20 2002,19:44
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 21 2002,09:40
A woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.

she was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.

"Whew! Got away with that one!" she thought.

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh no', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."