Humour from the UK

[frodi]

Posted by Gimpy on Nov. 22 2004,20:28

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood..... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all - -
NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS!!

He really, has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie. "I understand the problem - just follow me"

He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,... anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the Bobbie's
blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you .... is that "British Hospitality"?

"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that's the French Embassy."

[frodi]

Posted by MJ on Sep. 07 2004,07:50
Three US tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

[frodi]

Posted by CarolineMary on June 14 2004,20:56
Disaster in Barnsley

An Appeal For Your Help

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale, hit in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Epicentre: Barnsley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "choofinnorah".

The earthquake decimated the town causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Barnsley reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Barnsley. One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tracey Sharon Braighwaite, said, "It was such a shock my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the areas to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundstretcher.

Can you help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all - especially

* Burberry or Fila baseball caps

* Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

* Shell suits (female)

* White sports socks

* Rockfort boots or any other product sold at Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not give anything that needs peeling.

Remember

* 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

* £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

* £5 will pay for a packet of B & H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves.

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells.

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding South Yorkshire communities.

[frodi]

Posted by DaveWally on June 12 2004,19:37
English and Scottish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup
2. Proper beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH

1. Yur nay English!
2. Yur nay English!
3. Yur nay English!
4. Yur nay English!
5. Yur nay English!
6. Yur nay English!
7. Yur nay English!
8. Yur nay English!
9. Yur nay English!
10. Yur nay English!

[frodi]

Posted by Guest on May 16 2004,07:30
THE DAMNED EGG



A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.


The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said,
"Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

[frodi]

Top Tips from Viz Magazine


HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins N. Rodwell Herne Bay, Kent

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that your dog is well trained by ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already. J. Kay Elem, N.P.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings. B. Vilbens Birmingham

I'VE just seen a film where, after a plane crashed in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each other in order to survive. All well and good, but what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster. E. Mullion Haymarket, Edinburgh

WHEN out on the piss take a picture of your mum and dad in your wallet. It makes a handy 'drunk-o-meter' to gauge when you've had too much. When you start to fancy your mum, stop chatting up the girls. Don't even look at them. If you start to fancy your dad, leave the pub and catch the first bus home. (This is not advisable if you live with your parents). Jim Wood Isle of Arran

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly around supermarkets. J. Tait Thropton

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders. Mr A. Cream Rotherham

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits. R. Crosbie Cheltenham

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed. P. Reaney Rothwell

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with heavy duty tape. P. Reaney Rothwell

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around the stem with a clothes pin. P. Reaney Rothwell

DISAPPOINT wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your ears instead of honey. P. Reaney Rothwell

REVIVE dying moths by placing them on a small droplet of sugary water. C. Coup Basildon

EMPTY cereal packets make ideal holders for old toilet roll tubes and milk bottle tops which one should never throw away as they are most handy, and have a variety of uses. Mrs A. Ellis Wrexham

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists. Mrs P. Hamilton Arbroath

READERS with old or perished hot water bottles may, after filling, wish to leave the problem bottle in the sink or bath and so reduce the risk of damp bedclothes. Mr P. Iopling Bracknell

WHEN buying toilet tissue I always unwind each roll carefully and number the sheets individually using a Biro or felt-tipped pen. Mrs Howard Bingley

MY husband and I save pounds every year on household wear and tear by living in a tent in the garden. Mrs. I. Stokes Potters Bar

HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass through will remind you to close the door behind you. Mrs A. Ellis Wrexham

WEIGH toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and record their weight after each visit to the toilet. On each occasion deduct the new weight from their previous weight. The figure remaining will be the exact weight of toilet tissue which you have used on that particular 'visit'. Mrs Howard Bingley

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke Manchester

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by stealthily crawling around the house on all fours. D. E. Blancharde Fragsthorpe

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. Mrs K. Smith Bristol

[frodi]

After attending the funeral of a Chelsea mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Liverpool, one from Manchester and one from Glasgow, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The Liverpool mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Mancunian mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Mancunian mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Liverpudlian mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The Manchester mouse and the Liverpool mouse then turn to the Glaswegian mouse. The Glaswegian mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and shag the cat."

[frodi]

Posted by DÖSQueen on Mar. 22 2004,23:12
One of Cian's favorite jokes:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottsman were sitting in a pub drinking ale. Three flies flew in and each landed on a different mans glass.
The Englishman makes a face, pushes the glass aside says "Barkeep, a fresh one please!"
The Irishman tosses back his brew and says "That was refreshing!"
The Scotsman picks up the fly by it's wing and while banging it on the rim of the glass says "Go on! Spit it back out! Every drop of it!"

[frodi]

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[frodi]

Tony Blair is jogging in Hyde Park early one morning when he's approached by a nubile young lady with her skirt up around her arse and her tits hanging out. "£50, all in mate," she says.

"Umm, I'll give you a tenner," he replies.

"No bloody chance, what do you think I am?" she retorts.

Off he jogs, wondering what he'd turned down. The next morning, he's out jogging again and the same girl approaches him and makes the same offer.

His reply is also the same.

The next day, he's out jogging again but this time accompanied by Cherie.

The young lady approaches him again and says, "Hah! See what you get for a tenner?"

[frodi]

Posted by Mahesh on Jan. 23 2004,16:07
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone...........

[frodi]

Posted by CarolineMary on Dec. 29 2003,19:15
The late Bob Monkhouse, who has died at the age of 75, had a huge catalogue of gags and one-liners that he could call upon for any situation.

Here is a sample of some of his one-liners:

"I got my start in silent radio."

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"

"My wife's see-through nightie is now bi-focal."

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."

"If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours."

"A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away."

"I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill."

"My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."

"What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals."

"I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."

"I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard."

"Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money."

"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."

"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."

[frodi]

Mrs. Jones meets Mrs. Williams outside Evans the Bread's shop and remarks, "I hear your Bronwyn's married now."

"Y e e e e s."

"Bit sudden, wasn't it."

"Y e e e e s."

"I hadn't heard she was engaged."

"She wasn't."

"O o o o o o h! I hadn't heard she was pregnant."

"She wasn't."

"O o o o o o h! There's posh!"

[frodi]

Posted by Bertie on July 07 2003,16:42
Two Irishman emigrate to the Wild West in the 1890s. No jobs, no money, they are sitting in a saloon when Mick spots a Wanted Poster, offering $15 for the scalp of a single Cherokee.

They ride out into the valley deep in Indian territory where they wait and wait until they finally hear the sound of a lone horse. Pat hides behind a tree, and Mick behind a bush.

When the Cherokee rides into sight, Mick spooks the horse, Pat bashes the rider over the head, and Mick scalps him.

Looking up, they notice that they are surrounded by 10,000 Cherokee on horseback on the cliffs above.

Mick says "Pat, we are going to make a bloody fortune..."

[frodi]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"

[frodi]

Posted by Nan on Mar. 11 2003,18:42
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems .... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible," he says. "There is a 20 pound note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom,
and then a 10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Doctor, tank ya koindly, dat's much batter, how much is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat"ll be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.

[frodi]

Dear Sir (or Madam),

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act(1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please, no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Zulu
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum. We strongly recommend that you do not watch Santa the Movie (only because it's crap)

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved (minus the mud).

Yours faithfully,

G Hoon, Ministry of Defence. A Bush-Blair Production Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III

[frodi]

Tony Blair is on a visit to a newly opened hospital. After seeing the intensive care unit, the maternity ward, the children's ward (etc) he is taken to a ward at the end of a corridor where a number of patients are sitting up in bed. Suddenly one of them leaps out, stands in front of Blair and says at the top of his voice:

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin was help to mend a mill
In time o'need

and immediately jumps back into bed.

Before Blair has a chance to ask just what the hell is going on, another patient jumps out of bed and yells:

I'm truly sorry man's dominion,
Has broken nature's social union,
An' justifies that ill opinion,
Which makes thee startle

Blair is getting really flustered by now, thinking he's on the ward for the truly berserk, when another patient stands up on his bed and proclaims.....

O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
An' foolish notion:

Blair looks helplessly around, wondering just what kind of psychiatric ward this is. The manager tells him: "And this, Prime Minister, is the Serious Burns Unit."

[frodi]

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." .

[frodi]

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK, I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name"

Girl: "Sharon"

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes"

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate"
*************************************************************************************

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.

Sharon: Ok

Medic: Ok, now how many fingers am I putting up?

Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!

[frodi]

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen love," he replied, "It's got nothing to do with you. I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the head and shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha, ha! You'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "...... and you'll get six years, when the police smell your fingers."

[frodi]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go to a Strip Club.

The girl dances up in front of the Englishman and sticks her butt out, so he puts a £20 note down the back of her g-string.

Then she dances up to the Irishman and pushes her crotch towards him, so he puts a £20 note in the front of her g-string.

Finally she gyrates in front of the Scotsman who takes out his ATM card, sticks it between her legs and takes out £40!

[frodi]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.



He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night"



She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."



"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.



The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself."



















"You know,he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[frodi]

A boy goes up to his father and says "Dad, what's the difference between theoretically and realistically?"

His father says "Hmm, that's tricky, but try asking your mother and your sister if they'd sleep with the milkman for a million pounds".

The boy goes away, then comes back a bit later and reports that they both said "yes".

"Well, son, in which case theoretically we're sitting on a couple of million quid. But realistically we're living with a couple of slappers!"

[frodi]

They've decided on a new collective noun for bankers.

A "Wunch"

A 'Wunch of Bankers' - think spoonerism

[frodi]

Here's a selection of favourite letters sent into Viz.


On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
Mrs B. Essex.


The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.



If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .


They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London .



If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth .



Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people?
I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield .


They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan .



If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .



In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.




These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey .



Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.



We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.



Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .



I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree .



Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole .



So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull .



To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham



I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

K Libretto, Welling

[frodi]

You put the long hard shaft in your mouth...

You play with it round your tongue...

In and out, in and out...

Back and forth...

You feel it building up inside...

You go faster and faster...

Until the white creamy liquid fills your mouth...

You spit (not swallow)...

And it's all over...














Colgate Toothpaste: Take care of your teeth you dirty minded sod!

[frodi]

Why is an Xmas tree better than a man...?

It stays up for at least twelve days and nights...

It has pretty balls...

And it looks good with the lights on!

[frodi]

Tony Blair is to be given a medal by George Bush.

Blair has been informed that the the medal will be located in the back of Bush's trousers and the correct position and method of retrieving it is on hands and knees and using his tongue.

So Tony should have no problems there...

[frodi]

The terrorist police have intercepted a message. When it was decoded it read:-

"To Agent Mark Hughes - Return to Old Trafford, your mission has been fulfilled".