Humour from the UK

[frodi]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in The morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. . The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk

[frodi]

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

[frodi]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse."Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife..
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[frodi]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals,
and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately
residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of all, no public
restrooms.

However, after all those Guinnesses, he really has to go. He finds a narrow
side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who
says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and
I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me".

He leads the American through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he
opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No, sir." replied the bobby.


"That is what we call the French Embassy."

[frodi]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff. The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

[frodi]

Three Irishman, who all stuttered, decided to try a new speech therapist. The therapist turned out to be the most beautiful woman they had ever seen. She also had a new technique for curing the stutters.

She tells the three, "If you can say the name of the city where you where born without stuttering, you can have sex with me."

Francis goes first and says "D-d-dub-b-blin". "Sorry", says the therapist.
Sean goes next and says "B-b-belfast". "Sorry", says the therapist.
Finally, Paddy manages to get out "London", at which point the therapist takes him into the back room, where they have the best sex that Paddy ever had. As Paddy is lying there catching his breath, the therapist asks him "Well?" at which point Paddy says "D-d-derry"

[frodi]

This American bloke goes into a pub in Southern England. He gets himself a pint and then he challenges anybody to a game of pool and he beats everyone.

The barman says, "you're good, but Smiffy will have you."

Then he challenges anybody to a game of darts and he beats everybody at that as well.

The barman says, "you're very good, but Smiffy will have you."

Poker is the next challenge, and once again he beats every person he plays.

The barman says, "you're fucking good, but Smiffy will have you."

With this, the American chap says, "who the fuck is Smiffy?"

The barman points to a little elderly man wearing a flat cap, sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.

He walks over to the table and the old guy stands up, then flicks a beer mat up in the air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down and catches the beer mat right in the crack of his arse and says, "can you do that?"

The American flicks the beer mat up in air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down........and Smiffy fuckin' had him!

[frodi]

*SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2009*

*DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2009*

*HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL*

*PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS ACCORDING TO YOUR REGION*


GLASGOW REGION:

Name...........................................

Nickname......................................

Gang name..............................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?


* EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION*

Name..........................................

Rugby Club...........................................

Daddy's Company........................................... ......

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle . His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to *** off and work for a living?


** HIGHLANDS REGION**

Name..................................

Glen...............................

Clan..........................................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

[frodi]

A bloke's wife died, leaving a 16 old son. He figured he now had to act as both parents, becoming a bit stricter.

One night his son asked if he could go out. Sure dad said, but be back at 10pm and no later or you'll be grounded for 2 weeks. Son says sure. But by 11pm the son hadn't returned. Dad was worried, and then at midnight the son finally arrived home.

Dad was really pissed off, and started to scream at his son, and grounded him as promised.

Later he felt guilty, and so, quietly, went into the boy's bedroom and said, 'Son, I'm sorry, but you knew to be home at 10. What happened?'

The son thought for a moment, and replied.
'I had my first root [screw] tonight.' At which Dad got really proud and said,

'It was your first time?' The son nodded his head. Dad was enthusiastic. 'Thats great son - so you're not a virgin anymore?' His son nodded his head, so Dad asked 'D'ya plan to do it again - eh?' all smiles.

His son looked at him and said, 'Sure - as soon as my arse stops bleeding.'

[frodi]

I put this here, despite the fact that you easily substitute any two disparate groups for the two involved and the joke would still work...

There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The englishman said "No chance, Keep the egg."

[frodi]

Two boys were playing football in the local park in Manchester when one of them was attacked by a vicious dog. His quick-thinking friend grabbed a plank out of the fence, stuck it into the dog's collar and strangled it.

The local newspaper editor saw this happen and ran over, notebook in hand, to interview the boys.

"Brave Manchester United fan keeps a cool head and saves friend" he wrote, "But I'm not a United fan", said the boy. The editor quickly re-wrote the headline "Plucky Manchester City fan keeps calm and saves friend". "But I'm not a City fan either, I support Liverpool!" says the lad.

That week's headline ran "Scouse bastard vandalises fence and murders family pet".

[frodi]

If you see tables and chairs on the sidewalk in Manchester, you know a new pavement cafe has opened, where you can sit, chat and have a coffee.

If you see tables and chairs on the sidewalk in Liverpool, you know it's an eviction.

[frodi]

Rafa Benitez, manager of Liverpool football club, was desperate to get some decent players, so when he heard about a marvellous striker in Iraq, he had him brought over and signed him up. As soon as he saw him in training, he just knew he was good and put him straight into the first team.

The next Saturday they played Man City and the new guy scores three goals, helping their 7-0 thrashing of City. The young lad immediately phones his Mum. "Mum, it's great. I played in the first team and I scored three goals. My team-mates love me, the Boss loves me, the fans love me and even the BBC said some nice things about me".

His mother replies "Well, I'm glad that you're happy son, but I have some bad news for you. Your father has been shot dead in the street, your sister has been raped on the way home from school and your brother has run off to join an armed gang."

"That's awful! I am so sorry." replied the young lad. "You're fucking sorry?" says his mum "It's your fucking fault that we had to move to Liverpool"

[frodi]

Paddy calls the emergency services.

Begorrah, I've found dis sandwich with red wires stickin' out.
I fink it's a bomb!
"Alright, Sir," says the operator. "Is it tickin'?"
"No!" Says Paddy. "I tink it's beef."

[frodi]

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it.



Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic."

[frodi]

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft

[frodi]

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought NRM consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight
locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to no.4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the NRM consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too
much, given the expenses scandal!"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'

[frodi]

When your eyebrows get waterlogged

It has always surprised me that Beaufort worked out his scale for wind, not for rain. Rain, surely, has always been more important to the British and more talked about by us than any other bit of weather. wet and damp are what we fear the most, far more than draughts and breezes, yet nobody as far as I know has had a shot at a Beaufort Rain Scale. Well, here goes, then:

FORCE 0. Complete dryness. Absence of rain from the air. The gap between two periods of wet. Associated phrase: "I think it looks like rain."

FORCE 1. Presence of wet in the air, hovering rather than falling. Scotch mist. You can feel damp on your face but if you supinate your hand, nothing lands on it. Associated phrase: "I think it's trying to rain."

FORCE 2. Individual drops of rain falling, but quite separate as if they are all freelance raindrops and not part of the same corporate effort. If switched on now, windscreen wipers make an awful screeching noise. Spectacle wearers begin to grumble. Newspapers being read outside begins to speckle. Associated phrase: "It's spitting."

FORCE 3. Raindrops falling together now but still invisibly, like the spray which drifts off a fountain with the wind behind. Known as "fine rain". Ignored by all sportsmen except Test cricketers, who dash for cover. Spectacle wearers walk into oncoming traffic. Windscreen wipers, when switched on, make windscreen totally opaque. If being read outside, newspaper gets rising damp. Associated phrases: "Is it worth putting the umbrella up?" and "Another fine rain you've got us into."

FORCE 4. Visible light shower. Hair starts to congeal round ears. First rainware appears. People start to remember washing left out. Ignored by all sportsmen except Wimbledon players, who sprint for cover. Newspaper being read outside starts to tear slightly. Associated phrases: "It's starting to come down now", "It won't last" and "It's settled in for the day now."

FORCE 5. Drizzle. Shapes beginning to be visible in rain for first time, usually drifting from right to left. Windscreen wipers too slow at low speed, too fast at fast speed. Shower-proof rainware turns out to be shower-proof all right, but not drizzle-proof. First damp feeling inside either shoes or neckline. Butterflies take evasive action and begin to fly straight. Newspaper being read in the open starts turning to pulp. Associated phrases: "It's really chucking it down now", "It's raining cats and dogs" and "Nice for the farmers."

FORCE 6. Downpour. You can see raindrops bouncing on impact, like charter planes landing. Leaves and petals recoil when hit. Anything built of concrete starts to look nasty. eyebrows become waterlogged. Horse racing called off. Wet feeling rises above ankles and starts for knees. Butterflies fly backwards. Newspaper being read in open divides in two. Gardeners watering the flowers start thinking of packing it in. Associated phrase: "It's coming down in stair rods" and "It's bucketing down."

FORCE 7. Squally, gusty rain. As force 6 but with added wind. Water starts being forced up your nostrils. Maniacs leave home and head for the motorway in their cars. Butterflies start walking. Household cats and dogs become unpleasant to handle. Cheaper clothes start coming to bits. Associated phrases: "It's pissing down now", "There's some madman out in the garden trying to read a newspaper."

FORCE 8. Torrential. The whole outside world has been turned into an en-suite douche. It starts raining inside umbrellas. Windscreen wipers become useless. The ground looks as if it is steaming. Butterflies drown. Your garments start merging into each other and become indistinguishable. Man reading newspaper in the open starts disintegrating. All team games called off except football, rugby and water polo. Associated phrase: "Jesus, will you look at that coming down?"

FORCE 9. Cloudburst. Rain so fierce that it can only be maintained for a minute or two. Drops so large that they hurt if they hit you. Water gets into your pockets and forms rock pools. Windscreen wipers are torn off cars. Too wet for water-skiing. Instantaneous rivers form on roads and man reading newspaper floats past. Rain runs UP windows.

FORCE 10. Hurricane. Not known in Britain - the symptoms are too violent and extreme (cars floating, newspaper readers lost at sea, people drowned by inhaling rain, etc.). So if hurricane conditions appear to pertain, look for some other explanation. Associated phrases: "Oh my God, the water tank has burst - it's coming through the kitchen ceiling.", "I think the man upstairs has fallen asleep in his bath." etc.

[frodi]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "You *******, I thought you were going to look after me."

"I would have done!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!".

[frodi]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband

"I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!"

"That's alright dear" he says "Your past is your past, and I have to admit I find it a bit erotic. Tell me about it!"

The wife says " Well, my name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan...."

[frodi]

At the end of a tiny deserted pub sits a huge Liverpudlian, 6 ft 5 and built like a brick shithouse. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man minces in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the pub before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "Hey, calm down, calm down. I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure," the big Scouser replied. "Something about a job..."

[frodi]

Jimmy Carr* told a 2,500-strong audience at the Manchester Apollo: "Say what you like about servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good paralympic team in 2012."

*Jimmy Carr - A UK Stand up comedian.

[frodi]

A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

[frodi]

A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

[frodi]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to visit him at home..

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f***in' one?"

[frodi]

Since Susan Boyle has become popular, the world has seen a marked decrease in suicide bombers.

It seems that now that terrorists have seen what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on getting to paradise !

[frodi]

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

[frodi]

On a cold winter's day a Police driver came upon a biker swaddled up in helmet and cold weather gear who was stopped by the side of the road.

"What's the problem" asked the officer?

"Carburettor's frozen" came the terse reply from under the helmet.

"Pee on it, that'll thaw it out" says the Policeman.

"I can't" says the biker.

"Ok, watch and I'll show you" and the copper whips out his todger, pees on the carbs and, lo and behold, the bike starts.

A few days later the Chief Constable receives a note on from the father of the biker, it began:

"On behalf of my daughter who was recently stranded..."

[frodi]

How to avoid shark attacks:

1. Don't swim in the sea.

More than 99% of all shark attacks happen in large water masses, also known as seas or oceans. The way to establish if you're in an ocean is to taste the water. If it tastes salty, it's probably an ocean.

2. Swim with fat people.

Always make sure there are fat people already in the water before you enter. Chances are you will be able to swim faster than them and save yourself.

3. Don't go in the water without a knife.

That's so you can stab the nearest swimmer when you see a shark. As soon as he/she bleeds profusely, swim as fast as you can to the shore and claim you tried your best to save him/her. You might end up getting an award for bravery.

4. Listen intently.

All sharks have a 'theme song' - If you hear the following, swim for your life: da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. If it sounds like this dumDAHdumDAHdumDAHdumDAH, it's already too late.

5. Don't panic.

Stay calm when a shark bites you. Its over, you're gone and it doesn't help you try and survive. The people on the shore will appreciate it, they don't want to hear your mad yelling and screaming, it's not nice. Please think of the children.....

[frodi]

Two plane loads of volunteers from Liverpool have just taken off from John Lennon airport heading for Haiti to assist with the looting.