Sick Jokes [NASTY]

[Deleted]

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

[Deleted]

What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?

May I push your stool in?

[Deleted]

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

[Deleted]

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she'd stood him up

[Deleted]

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

[Deleted]

I just heard Vanessa Feltz has been arrested at Heathrow airport - she was found to be in possession of 200 pounds of crack in her pants.

[Deleted]

what about the rabbi who missed and got the sack

[Deleted]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when the old boy pulls a beer out of his fridge.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass boy?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Grandpa says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little sir'.
Grandpa replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar young un'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some
cookies. Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The little boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass grandpa?'
Laughing, the old grandpa replies, 'Hell yes boy, my pecker can touch my ass'.

So the little boy replies, 'Then go fúck yourself'. Grandma just made these for me!

[Deleted]

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

[Deleted]

I have just had my water bill of £100 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.

[Deleted]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning.

[Deleted]

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

[Deleted]

Priest asks the Pope, "When is it okay to have sex with young boys?".Pope replies, "When they have left school".Priest says "Roll on 4 O'Clock".

[Deleted]

How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.

[Deleted]

Q: How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
A: It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.

[Deleted]

Q: How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists can be negotiated with.

[Deleted]

Q: Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?
A: 'Get your face out for the boys...'

[Deleted]

I got a new stick deodorant yesterday.

The instructions said:

Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I pass wind the room smells lovely .

[Deleted]

A Scottish pedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

[Deleted]

What did the leper say to the prostitute after they'd finished and he'd paid her?

"Keep the tip."

[Deleted]

To the bloke in the Wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket..

You can hide but you cant run.......

[Deleted]

how do they separate the men from the boys in greece?

with a crowbar.[]

[Deleted]

I was thinking the other day about how I've never seen a Muslim man drink 10 pints at the office Christmas party and then offer to fight everyone, and I've never seen a Muslim woman lift up her burka, flash her tits and piss in the street. Isn't it about time they learned how to integrate?

[Deleted]

Two pregnant Irish women are knitting for there babies, the first says, 'I hope I'm having a boy, I've used blue wool' to which the other replies ' I hope I'm having a spastic, I've fukked up the arms!'

[Deleted]

Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one.. His dad smirks & throws a pillow at the door saying " get outta here you little shit"

a couple of hours later dad hears a commotion coming from johnny's bedroom.. he goes up to find johnny giving his grandma one...

johnny smiles....." not so funny when its your mum is it.. ? "

[Deleted]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

[Deleted]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had beendating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Deleted]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa,
look at the size of that fucker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry
father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes
the
fish back to church.

"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is Gods house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker
and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks
her.

"My, what language!" She exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker, " says the
bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back
on
his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours
himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You fuckers are alright."

[Deleted]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic." Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge. "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to fuck off.

[Deleted]

Why did the fly run along the top of the cornflakes box?

Because it said tear along the dotted line.