Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2014 21:08:17 GMT -5
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:24 pm ]
Post subject: Sick Jokes [NASTY]
Posted by MJ on Mar. 20 2002,08:40
Little Johnny's younger brother, Little Timmy, was opening up his Christmas present on Christmas morning. Inside was a big red fire truck, complete with sirens, a ringing bell, a moving ladder, and firemen that could be positioned all over the truck.
"Hey, Johnny, look what Santa brought ME!!! My fire truck is WAY cooler than anything Santa brought YOU!"
Little Johnny replied, "Yeah, but I don't have cancer."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:
Posted by MJ on Mar. 20 2002,08:41
Two necrophiles work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, she had a clitoris just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?"
"No, says the first, "sour."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:
Posted by MJ on Mar. 20 2002,09:06
Young guy, he's always had a thing for older women. Much older.
He's well into his latest 'date' with a granny-esqe beauty. Hot and heavy on the bed, both of 'em are stripped and ready for action.
He slips a sweet but saggy tit between his lips, and starts sucking away with great pleasure. He's suprised when a warm liquid starts trickling past his thirsty lips.
"Gee, Hon. I figured you were a little past lactating age," he whispered in her ear.
"I am, dear," she replied. "But you're never too old for cancer."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 20 2002,09:41
Jack had never had a way with women, so to get a little action, he had to visit the local whorehouse. The Madam tells him that they had aquired a new girl, so Jack tells the Madam to send her up to the room.
As he is undressing, the new "girl" walks in. She had to be pushing 80 years old. Jack is understandably upset, but figures, hey, maybe there is something to the "Mature women make better lovers" thing. So he tosses her on the bed and starts banging away, but stops right away.
"What the fuck!" He shouts "Your pussy is the roughest, driest pussy that I have ever fucked here! Go get me another girl!
"Oh, I am so sorry honey," she purred "I didn't prepair myself. I'll be right back" and walks out of the room for about 30 seconds. When she comes back, she is so hot and wet and smooth that Jack just can't help himself, and shots his wad like a teenager.
"My God! They were right! That had to have been the best lay I have ever had! What did you do to make yourself so wet and smooth in half a minute?
"Oh, that? I just picked all the scabs loose"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:26 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 20 2002,16:48
What do you call a queer in a wheelchair?
Rolaids.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:27 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 21 2002,03:31
Two niggers, Sam and Joe, were walking down the street when they came across a building with a sign out front:
Turn yourself white! Only 99¢!
So they stop and check their money situation. Sam says to Joe, "I gots a me a buck even. Fo' quartas"
Joe says to Sam, "All I gots is 98¢. But here's what we do. You go in, get yourself made into a honky, and then come out and gimme the penny so I can get the shit too."
"OK" says Sam.
So Sam walks inside, and about 15 minutes later comes back out white as can be.
Joe says to him, "Ok, now gimme that penny so I can get done."
To which Sam replies, "Fuck you nigger. Get a job!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:28 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 22 2002,06:54
A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was
rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet. Puzzled he looked up...
There was a leper painting the ceiling.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:28 pm ]
Post subject:
What do you call a queer in the symphony?
BandAids
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:
Posted by Shack on Mar. 25 2002,14:41
I heard on the news last night that, due to all the negative publicity, that crematorium in Georgia will be changing its name to...
"Outback Steakhouse!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 26 2002,16:27
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly drunk.
A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."
"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 26 2002,16:32
Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:31 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 27 2002,06:48
Guinness Book Of World Records.
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED: Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES: Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH: Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 3 inch.
WORST DRINK: The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm, very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL: This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN: Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in. with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD: The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in.The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART: Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:31 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 31 2002,10:33
In March 1997, Brian Crenshaw, a chemical engineer from West London, returned to the UK after spending the previous six months overseeing work at a petrochemicals plant in Nigeria. During his first week back, his wife complained that he seemed to have difficulty listening properly. Brian suggested that his ears had not fully recovered from the air pressure changes experienced during his flight. Over the next two weeks, Brian's condition worsened as he started to feel tickling sensations deep in his ears. Thinking the trouble was caused by loosened ear wax, he attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint pen. When he pressed it into his right ear, he heard a cracking sound and saw the pen covered in a yellow goo.
He went to his local GP claiming had punctured his ear drum. The GP reached into Brian's right ear with a pair of tweezers and pulled out what appeared to be an insect antenna. During the examination Brian was horrified to learn that he had a total of 5 African cockroaches living in his head. Four cockroaches were alive and one cockroach was dead, presumably crushed by Brian s pen attack.
An investigation revealed that when Brian was in Nigeria, a female African cockroach must have laid numerous eggs in the toiletries bag where he kept his cotton buds. When he was cleaning his ears, he was also transferring the cockroach eggs to his inner ear where they started to hatch.
--------------
On September 4 1999 at 9.30 am Ron Guptey of N.S.W Australia went into hospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum area. The doctor on call examined him, he found severe swelling around the anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing before. Two more doctors examined and they too were left confused about what was happening.
Rons health was deteriorating as the day wore on, he developed a fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen. The doctors gave pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2.57 pm when he lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead. An investigation was led to discover the reason of death.
During the post mortem, traces of wood bark were found inside the rectal passage, but as the examination went further the doctor discovered about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron s intestine. The police found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Ron s back yard, there were traces of KY jelly and traces of rectal juices along the branch.
There was also Black widow egg shells found inside the bark. Ron was apparently satisfying himself with this tree stump, but failed to notice the black widow nest on the tree. During his sexual act he had impregnated himself with the black widow eggs. The eggs had embedded in his rectal passage walls and were kept at the required temperature for the eggs to develop and finally hatch. Once the baby spiders were hatched they had bitten him and had poisoned him from the inside. Guess he was barking up the wrong tree.....
----------------------
NOW FOR THE BIG ONE...
Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.
One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it was urinary pain.
It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.
She was screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up.
When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.
The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace.
If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's c**t when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes.
You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:
April 01 2002,08:43
Just heard on the radio that Rosie O'Donnell drowned this afternoon. They found her face down in Ricky Lake.
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:
April 02 2002,10:22
The Queen Mother, on her arrival in Heaven, soon met up with Princess Diana.
'Oh, Diana, what a lovely halo' she said, 'may I have it?'
'Fuck off Nan' said Diana, 'that's not a halo, it's a fucking steering wheel'.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:
Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home right now to her mother, and she will explain what happened.
On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.
Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?" "I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy. "Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.
So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.
Little Johnny steps back in horror and says,"Who ripped your dick off?"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:33 pm ]
Post subject:
This fat old cunt went to her gynecologist because she was having problems. The doc examined her, but told her he could do nothing for her, but that he knew of someone who would clean the scabs and pus out of her cunt for a fee.
She went to see the gent who proceeded to eat the scabs and lick the pus out of her cunt. About halfway thru the process that fat old bitch lets out a rip roarin' buzzard killin' fart, and the gent looks up at her and says, "What the hell ya tryin' to do, gross me out?"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks...
"Momma what are those?"
She replies "Son those are my breasts."
As she turns her back to him he asks...
"Momma what is that?"
She replies "Son that is my derriere."
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks...
"Momma what is that?"
She replies "That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom.
"Hey honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies "None of your business."
The son shaking his head says "YUCK!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
Did you hear about the necrophiliac who thought he was in love, until the rotten cunt split on him?
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing
uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.
The man replies "This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love 'em".
The luckless man asks "But why do you smell each one?"
"Well.." he replies, " he's a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there".
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
Jake, a truck driver, stopped by his favorite whorehouse as he was passing through Texas. He bounds up the steps onto the front porch where Granny, the elderly madam emeritus, was sitting in her rocking chair knitting.
"Hotdamn, Granny! It's good to be back! Where's all the girls?" Jake bellowed.
"All the girls have gone into town....it's been kinda slow lately. I'm the only one here" replied Granny.
"Shit, Granny" exclaimed Jake. "I don't wanna fuck you.....you're too old and dried up!"
Granny said, "Sonny, I gave that up years ago, but I'll tell you what. I'll pull out my glass eye and you can put your joint in there."
"GodDAMN Granny! I don't know if I can fuck ya in the eye!"
She replied "I'll tell you what. You do it, and if you don't like it you don't have to pay!"
Well, Jake figured he's got nothing to lose, so he stuck his dick in her eyesocket, Granny rocked back and forth only a couple of times before Jake blew his nuts.
"Damn, Granny! That was fan-fuckin'-tastic! Next time I'm through, I want you again!
Granny said "That's fine with me.....I'll keep an eye out for ya!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
What do old ladies taste like?
......."DEPENDS"........
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
How is a hillbilly girl like a hockey player?
They both shower after every third period!
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:36 pm ]
Post subject:
A man and a little boy and are out at night, walking towards the woods.
The boy says, "It's really dark...I'm kinda scared..."
The man says, "You think you're scared? I've gotta walk back alone.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:37 pm ]
Post subject:
What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
"I feel like a kid again."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:37 pm ]
Post subject:
How do you make a little boy keep crying?
Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:37 pm ]
Post subject:
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.
He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:38 pm ]
Post subject:
Q: What’s pink & red and can’t get through doorways?
A: A baby with a spear through it’s head.
Q: What’s blue & sits in the corner?
A: A baby with a plastic bag on it’s head
Q: What’s green & sits in the corner?
A: Same baby 6 weeks later.
Q: What’s black & taps on glass?
A: A baby in a microwave.
Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Finding a dead baby in 3 garbage cans...
Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
Q: What’s red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Q: What is red and hangs around in trees?
A: A baby that was hit by a snow thrower.
Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.
Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.
Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.
Q: Which is easier to unload? A truckload of bowling balls or a truckload of dead babies?
A: The babies. You can use a pitchfork.
Q: What do you get when you hit a dead baby with a frying pan?
A: A hard-on.
Q: What do you call a pair of dead babies at the foot of your bed?
A: Slippers.
Q: What's red and pink and goes around at 200 mph?
A: A dead baby in a blender.
Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out, bite off the fingers and toes, and stuff 'em in its mouth. (Geesh, a BLIND baby can still gurgle and wriggle atcha)
Q: Which is easier to unload? A truckload of bowling balls or a truckload of dead babies?
A: The babies. You can use a pitchfork.
Q: How do you know when you got a live one?
A: The pitchfork starts shaking.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:39 pm ]
Post subject:
A man in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun and yells to the girl behind the counter:
"Open the fucking safe"
"But this is a sperm bank" she says to him with a blank look on her face - "we don't have any money, only sperm!"
"Don't argue with me, just do it" shouts the gunman.
The girl does as she is told and opens the safe.
"Now, take one of the bottles out and drink from it"
"But. it's full of sperm!!"
"I said don't argue - just fucking do it or I'll blow your head off" The girl obediently takes one of the bottles out, prises the cap off and gulps it down.
"Now" says the gunman, "take another one out and drink from that also" The girl does as she is told and quickly drinks it. Then, all of a sudden, the gunman whips his balaclava off and to the girls amazement it's her husband.
"There" he says, "it's not that difficult, is it?
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:39 pm ]
Post subject:
A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:39 pm ]
Post subject:
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my !@#$% ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:40 pm ]
Post subject:
Q. What's the difference between watching the Special Olympics and watching an AOL chat room?
A. When you watch the Special Olympics you think to yourself, "Damn, those poor bastards really might have a chance at a life someday."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:40 pm ]
Post subject:
Q: What's big and green and has six tits?
A: The dumpster behind the cancer ward.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:40 pm ]
Post subject:
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: How is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, has a big head on it and drives women wild?
A: A One Hundred Dollar Bill.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
Post subject:
A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself, "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything, anyway."
She goes to the bar, finds Mike really drunk and takes him to the nearest hotel where they spend the night together. Mike wakes up the next morning, and she is already gone. As he starts to get out of bed, Mike sees that his hands are covered in blood.
He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, "Oh, my God! I killed her! I killed her!"
As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second, then screams, "FUCK! And then, I ate her, too!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
Post subject:
An old friend of mine was telling me about being in Vietnam and being in a fox hole for 3 days when he decided he could not hold it any longer and had to run out to the jungle to go to the bathroom. His buddy stayed and waited for him and it was a couple of hours before he finally came back.
He asked him what took so long and he told him he found a woman out there and had to have his way with her.
He said he fucked her between the tits and he fucked her in the pussy and he fucked her in the ass.
His buddy asked, "Hey, did you get any head?"
To which he replied, "No, she didn't have one."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
Post subject:
What do Dale Earnhart and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
Post subject:
An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home.
The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.
He looks at her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.
She says, 'No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder....... I can't wipe my arse."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:
What did Hannibal The Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped His arse!
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:
A tramp walks into a bar and asks the barman for a cocktail stick so he hands one to him and the tramp promptly leaves.
A few minutes later another tramp wanders in and also asks for a cocktail stick, the barman obliges. A little while after yet another tramp walks in and asks for a straw. The barman says "why do you want a straw when the other tramps asked for cocktail sticks?"
The tramp replies, "somebody's been sick outside and all the good bits have gone".
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:
The BBC are making a new sitcom to star Michael Barrymore.
Its gonna be called... "Only Pools and Corpses"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies........." ... "You just happened to catch my eye."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:
Q: what gets shorter & shorter and redder & redder?
A: a baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:
What's grosser than gross?
Having sex with a pregnant woman and something grabs your dick.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:44 pm ]
Post subject:
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girl's eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mum's bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that I will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:44 pm ]
Post subject:
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:44 pm ]
Post subject:
Elton John goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to have a car tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist asks, "What type of car would you like put on?"
"Better make it a 4x4," replies Elton reflectively, "it's got a lot of shit to get through."
Post subject: Sick Jokes [NASTY]
Posted by MJ on Mar. 20 2002,08:40
Little Johnny's younger brother, Little Timmy, was opening up his Christmas present on Christmas morning. Inside was a big red fire truck, complete with sirens, a ringing bell, a moving ladder, and firemen that could be positioned all over the truck.
"Hey, Johnny, look what Santa brought ME!!! My fire truck is WAY cooler than anything Santa brought YOU!"
Little Johnny replied, "Yeah, but I don't have cancer."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:
Posted by MJ on Mar. 20 2002,08:41
Two necrophiles work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, she had a clitoris just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?"
"No, says the first, "sour."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:
Posted by MJ on Mar. 20 2002,09:06
Young guy, he's always had a thing for older women. Much older.
He's well into his latest 'date' with a granny-esqe beauty. Hot and heavy on the bed, both of 'em are stripped and ready for action.
He slips a sweet but saggy tit between his lips, and starts sucking away with great pleasure. He's suprised when a warm liquid starts trickling past his thirsty lips.
"Gee, Hon. I figured you were a little past lactating age," he whispered in her ear.
"I am, dear," she replied. "But you're never too old for cancer."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 20 2002,09:41
Jack had never had a way with women, so to get a little action, he had to visit the local whorehouse. The Madam tells him that they had aquired a new girl, so Jack tells the Madam to send her up to the room.
As he is undressing, the new "girl" walks in. She had to be pushing 80 years old. Jack is understandably upset, but figures, hey, maybe there is something to the "Mature women make better lovers" thing. So he tosses her on the bed and starts banging away, but stops right away.
"What the fuck!" He shouts "Your pussy is the roughest, driest pussy that I have ever fucked here! Go get me another girl!
"Oh, I am so sorry honey," she purred "I didn't prepair myself. I'll be right back" and walks out of the room for about 30 seconds. When she comes back, she is so hot and wet and smooth that Jack just can't help himself, and shots his wad like a teenager.
"My God! They were right! That had to have been the best lay I have ever had! What did you do to make yourself so wet and smooth in half a minute?
"Oh, that? I just picked all the scabs loose"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:26 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 20 2002,16:48
What do you call a queer in a wheelchair?
Rolaids.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:27 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 21 2002,03:31
Two niggers, Sam and Joe, were walking down the street when they came across a building with a sign out front:
Turn yourself white! Only 99¢!
So they stop and check their money situation. Sam says to Joe, "I gots a me a buck even. Fo' quartas"
Joe says to Sam, "All I gots is 98¢. But here's what we do. You go in, get yourself made into a honky, and then come out and gimme the penny so I can get the shit too."
"OK" says Sam.
So Sam walks inside, and about 15 minutes later comes back out white as can be.
Joe says to him, "Ok, now gimme that penny so I can get done."
To which Sam replies, "Fuck you nigger. Get a job!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:28 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 22 2002,06:54
A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was
rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet. Puzzled he looked up...
There was a leper painting the ceiling.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:28 pm ]
Post subject:
What do you call a queer in the symphony?
BandAids
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:
Posted by Shack on Mar. 25 2002,14:41
I heard on the news last night that, due to all the negative publicity, that crematorium in Georgia will be changing its name to...
"Outback Steakhouse!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 26 2002,16:27
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly drunk.
A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."
"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 26 2002,16:32
Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:31 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 27 2002,06:48
Guinness Book Of World Records.
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED: Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES: Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH: Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 3 inch.
WORST DRINK: The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm, very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL: This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN: Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in. with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD: The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in.The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART: Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:31 pm ]
Post subject:
Mar. 31 2002,10:33
In March 1997, Brian Crenshaw, a chemical engineer from West London, returned to the UK after spending the previous six months overseeing work at a petrochemicals plant in Nigeria. During his first week back, his wife complained that he seemed to have difficulty listening properly. Brian suggested that his ears had not fully recovered from the air pressure changes experienced during his flight. Over the next two weeks, Brian's condition worsened as he started to feel tickling sensations deep in his ears. Thinking the trouble was caused by loosened ear wax, he attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint pen. When he pressed it into his right ear, he heard a cracking sound and saw the pen covered in a yellow goo.
He went to his local GP claiming had punctured his ear drum. The GP reached into Brian's right ear with a pair of tweezers and pulled out what appeared to be an insect antenna. During the examination Brian was horrified to learn that he had a total of 5 African cockroaches living in his head. Four cockroaches were alive and one cockroach was dead, presumably crushed by Brian s pen attack.
An investigation revealed that when Brian was in Nigeria, a female African cockroach must have laid numerous eggs in the toiletries bag where he kept his cotton buds. When he was cleaning his ears, he was also transferring the cockroach eggs to his inner ear where they started to hatch.
--------------
On September 4 1999 at 9.30 am Ron Guptey of N.S.W Australia went into hospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum area. The doctor on call examined him, he found severe swelling around the anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing before. Two more doctors examined and they too were left confused about what was happening.
Rons health was deteriorating as the day wore on, he developed a fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen. The doctors gave pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2.57 pm when he lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead. An investigation was led to discover the reason of death.
During the post mortem, traces of wood bark were found inside the rectal passage, but as the examination went further the doctor discovered about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron s intestine. The police found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Ron s back yard, there were traces of KY jelly and traces of rectal juices along the branch.
There was also Black widow egg shells found inside the bark. Ron was apparently satisfying himself with this tree stump, but failed to notice the black widow nest on the tree. During his sexual act he had impregnated himself with the black widow eggs. The eggs had embedded in his rectal passage walls and were kept at the required temperature for the eggs to develop and finally hatch. Once the baby spiders were hatched they had bitten him and had poisoned him from the inside. Guess he was barking up the wrong tree.....
----------------------
NOW FOR THE BIG ONE...
Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.
One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it was urinary pain.
It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.
She was screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up.
When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.
The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace.
If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's c**t when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes.
You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:
April 01 2002,08:43
Just heard on the radio that Rosie O'Donnell drowned this afternoon. They found her face down in Ricky Lake.
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:
April 02 2002,10:22
The Queen Mother, on her arrival in Heaven, soon met up with Princess Diana.
'Oh, Diana, what a lovely halo' she said, 'may I have it?'
'Fuck off Nan' said Diana, 'that's not a halo, it's a fucking steering wheel'.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:
Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home right now to her mother, and she will explain what happened.
On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.
Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?" "I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy. "Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.
So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.
Little Johnny steps back in horror and says,"Who ripped your dick off?"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:33 pm ]
Post subject:
This fat old cunt went to her gynecologist because she was having problems. The doc examined her, but told her he could do nothing for her, but that he knew of someone who would clean the scabs and pus out of her cunt for a fee.
She went to see the gent who proceeded to eat the scabs and lick the pus out of her cunt. About halfway thru the process that fat old bitch lets out a rip roarin' buzzard killin' fart, and the gent looks up at her and says, "What the hell ya tryin' to do, gross me out?"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks...
"Momma what are those?"
She replies "Son those are my breasts."
As she turns her back to him he asks...
"Momma what is that?"
She replies "Son that is my derriere."
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks...
"Momma what is that?"
She replies "That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom.
"Hey honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies "None of your business."
The son shaking his head says "YUCK!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
Did you hear about the necrophiliac who thought he was in love, until the rotten cunt split on him?
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing
uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.
The man replies "This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love 'em".
The luckless man asks "But why do you smell each one?"
"Well.." he replies, " he's a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there".
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
Jake, a truck driver, stopped by his favorite whorehouse as he was passing through Texas. He bounds up the steps onto the front porch where Granny, the elderly madam emeritus, was sitting in her rocking chair knitting.
"Hotdamn, Granny! It's good to be back! Where's all the girls?" Jake bellowed.
"All the girls have gone into town....it's been kinda slow lately. I'm the only one here" replied Granny.
"Shit, Granny" exclaimed Jake. "I don't wanna fuck you.....you're too old and dried up!"
Granny said, "Sonny, I gave that up years ago, but I'll tell you what. I'll pull out my glass eye and you can put your joint in there."
"GodDAMN Granny! I don't know if I can fuck ya in the eye!"
She replied "I'll tell you what. You do it, and if you don't like it you don't have to pay!"
Well, Jake figured he's got nothing to lose, so he stuck his dick in her eyesocket, Granny rocked back and forth only a couple of times before Jake blew his nuts.
"Damn, Granny! That was fan-fuckin'-tastic! Next time I'm through, I want you again!
Granny said "That's fine with me.....I'll keep an eye out for ya!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
What do old ladies taste like?
......."DEPENDS"........
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
How is a hillbilly girl like a hockey player?
They both shower after every third period!
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:36 pm ]
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A man and a little boy and are out at night, walking towards the woods.
The boy says, "It's really dark...I'm kinda scared..."
The man says, "You think you're scared? I've gotta walk back alone.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:37 pm ]
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What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
"I feel like a kid again."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:37 pm ]
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How do you make a little boy keep crying?
Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:37 pm ]
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A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.
He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:38 pm ]
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Q: What’s pink & red and can’t get through doorways?
A: A baby with a spear through it’s head.
Q: What’s blue & sits in the corner?
A: A baby with a plastic bag on it’s head
Q: What’s green & sits in the corner?
A: Same baby 6 weeks later.
Q: What’s black & taps on glass?
A: A baby in a microwave.
Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Finding a dead baby in 3 garbage cans...
Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
Q: What’s red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Q: What is red and hangs around in trees?
A: A baby that was hit by a snow thrower.
Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.
Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.
Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.
Q: Which is easier to unload? A truckload of bowling balls or a truckload of dead babies?
A: The babies. You can use a pitchfork.
Q: What do you get when you hit a dead baby with a frying pan?
A: A hard-on.
Q: What do you call a pair of dead babies at the foot of your bed?
A: Slippers.
Q: What's red and pink and goes around at 200 mph?
A: A dead baby in a blender.
Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out, bite off the fingers and toes, and stuff 'em in its mouth. (Geesh, a BLIND baby can still gurgle and wriggle atcha)
Q: Which is easier to unload? A truckload of bowling balls or a truckload of dead babies?
A: The babies. You can use a pitchfork.
Q: How do you know when you got a live one?
A: The pitchfork starts shaking.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:39 pm ]
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A man in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun and yells to the girl behind the counter:
"Open the fucking safe"
"But this is a sperm bank" she says to him with a blank look on her face - "we don't have any money, only sperm!"
"Don't argue with me, just do it" shouts the gunman.
The girl does as she is told and opens the safe.
"Now, take one of the bottles out and drink from it"
"But. it's full of sperm!!"
"I said don't argue - just fucking do it or I'll blow your head off" The girl obediently takes one of the bottles out, prises the cap off and gulps it down.
"Now" says the gunman, "take another one out and drink from that also" The girl does as she is told and quickly drinks it. Then, all of a sudden, the gunman whips his balaclava off and to the girls amazement it's her husband.
"There" he says, "it's not that difficult, is it?
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:39 pm ]
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A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:39 pm ]
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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my !@#$% ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:40 pm ]
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Q. What's the difference between watching the Special Olympics and watching an AOL chat room?
A. When you watch the Special Olympics you think to yourself, "Damn, those poor bastards really might have a chance at a life someday."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:40 pm ]
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Q: What's big and green and has six tits?
A: The dumpster behind the cancer ward.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:40 pm ]
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Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: How is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, has a big head on it and drives women wild?
A: A One Hundred Dollar Bill.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
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A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself, "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything, anyway."
She goes to the bar, finds Mike really drunk and takes him to the nearest hotel where they spend the night together. Mike wakes up the next morning, and she is already gone. As he starts to get out of bed, Mike sees that his hands are covered in blood.
He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, "Oh, my God! I killed her! I killed her!"
As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second, then screams, "FUCK! And then, I ate her, too!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
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An old friend of mine was telling me about being in Vietnam and being in a fox hole for 3 days when he decided he could not hold it any longer and had to run out to the jungle to go to the bathroom. His buddy stayed and waited for him and it was a couple of hours before he finally came back.
He asked him what took so long and he told him he found a woman out there and had to have his way with her.
He said he fucked her between the tits and he fucked her in the pussy and he fucked her in the ass.
His buddy asked, "Hey, did you get any head?"
To which he replied, "No, she didn't have one."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
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What do Dale Earnhart and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:41 pm ]
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An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home.
The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.
He looks at her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.
She says, 'No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder....... I can't wipe my arse."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:42 pm ]
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What did Hannibal The Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped His arse!
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:42 pm ]
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A tramp walks into a bar and asks the barman for a cocktail stick so he hands one to him and the tramp promptly leaves.
A few minutes later another tramp wanders in and also asks for a cocktail stick, the barman obliges. A little while after yet another tramp walks in and asks for a straw. The barman says "why do you want a straw when the other tramps asked for cocktail sticks?"
The tramp replies, "somebody's been sick outside and all the good bits have gone".
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:42 pm ]
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The BBC are making a new sitcom to star Michael Barrymore.
Its gonna be called... "Only Pools and Corpses"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies........." ... "You just happened to catch my eye."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
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Q: what gets shorter & shorter and redder & redder?
A: a baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
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A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:43 pm ]
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What's grosser than gross?
Having sex with a pregnant woman and something grabs your dick.
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:44 pm ]
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A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girl's eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mum's bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that I will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:44 pm ]
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There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
Author: Priss [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:44 pm ]
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Elton John goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to have a car tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist asks, "What type of car would you like put on?"
"Better make it a 4x4," replies Elton reflectively, "it's got a lot of shit to get through."