Sick Jokes [NASTY]

[Deleted]

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death - the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

[Deleted]

my wife has just told me her mum has died...............what a perfect time to be chopping onions.

[Deleted]

After finishing my diner last night, the wife shouted from the kitchen, do you want to try this new ice cream I got.

I shouted through how hard is it.


Cheekily she replied, " as hard as you would be if you saw me standing in the door naked".

I said in that case "pour me a glass"

[Deleted]

Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till

His defence was that his Dad had told him to go in and "get a black and decker"

[Deleted]

The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable

But they expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones

[frodi]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy

[Deleted]

In a newly built, modern hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[Deleted]

I feel very sneaky and bad for putting them pills in my grans dinner




but if i ever got her pregnant

[Deleted]

Did you hear about that new movie called "Constipation"?
No? ...........
That's because it hasn't come out yet...

[Deleted]

There's a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'there's plenty more of that where I come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'there's plenty more of those where I come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....

[Deleted]

I watched as the other woman inserted her fingers into my wife
understandably i decided to have a w*nk.....


midwives eh no sense of humour at all..,........

[Deleted]

I went to a funeral yesterday with my new girlfriend it was the first time i had met her family.
Talk about miserable bast*rds......

[Deleted]

I heard there's a 10 month waiting list for abortions in Ireland.

[Deleted]

A twin-engined plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.

The pilot speaks over the intercom ...
"I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison
the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers.

The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'". "Africans?
Are there any Africans on board?"
There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence. "C - coloured people?
Are there any coloured people on board?"

Silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied, "Yes son but for the purpose of this exercise we is N*ggers.


Let them do the Muslims first".

[MalcolmR]

A recent study revealed a way to make fat girls appear more appealing to men.

It's called a diet.

[Deleted]

£14 for a full Xmas dinner that feeds three.......that's why Mum's go to Iceland.

£10 for an 18 year old bouncing on your c*ck all day.........that's why Dads go to Thailand!!

[Deleted]

My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, "Son, I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."

"What about it?" I replied.

"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mum knowing?"

[Deleted]

got arrested today for wrapping my dick in the Beano and wanking on the bus.........
apparently this is not classed as comic relief...............

[Deleted]

I caught my wife having sex with my best friend the other day so I told her to pack her stuff and **** off!

As for him I looked him straight in the eye and said "Bad dog no biscuits for you today!"

[Deleted]

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his c*ck and she opens a beer with her ar*e.

Shes called a swiss army wife.

[MalcolmR]

Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A: AIDS!

[Deleted]

At the last house party I held there’s always one left over in the morning, lying on the floor behind the sofa ****g legless – can’t stand.

Asked him where he lived so I dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, his ****g legs all over the place, chucked him in the back of the car and took him home.

Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door, his mother answered. I said "I brought your son home from the party"

His mum replies, "did you bring his wheelchair as well?"

[Deleted]

Dating Rituals:

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[Deleted]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

[dongatto63]

Have you been feeling really shitty lately??

I guess it is time to pull your head out of your ass.

[MalcolmR]

A Muslim walks into a gay bar and the barman says "What'll it be?". He replies:

"Shots for everyone!"

[MalcolmR]

A huge earthquake hits Turkey, cities destroyed and around 8 million people died.

The Americans decide to send money and medicine
The French send food and water
The Russians send tents and clothes
The Germans send 8 million Turks.

[MalcolmR]

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.

[Gimpy]

A distressed, desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.
That's when an old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said,
"Look, since you'll be gone in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about we get in a quick one before you go?"
Disgusted, the woman screamed out, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
With that the old man simply shrugged and turned away by saying, "OK, in that case then, I'll just go down and wait at the bottom of the bridge."
The woman didn't jump.
Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work. Cherish it.

[graham]

A very sad day today.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.