Elderly Humor

[frodi]

A sign of the old unfettered mind

I was thinking the other day ........
that women should put pictures of
missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking......
about old age and decided that it is
when you still have something on the
ball but you are just too tired to
bounce it.

I thought about.......
making a movie for folks my age and
call it "Pumping Rust."

I have found that women my age.....
going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of their face.

I was thinking about........
how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older
then it dawned on me - they were
cramming for their finals!

You know......
when people see a cat's litter box, they
always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's
for company!"

I've thought about.....
those employment applications and that
blank that always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I
think you should write ...Good Doctor!

I've always wondered...........
why they put pictures of criminals up
in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do.. . . write to these
criminals? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen could look for them
while they deliver the mail?

I thought about being rich......
and it doesn't mean so much. Just look
at Henry Ford, all those millions and
he never owned a Cadillac!

I wonder....
If you jogged backward ...
would you gain weight?

I wonder........
what you call a pocket calculator in
a nudist camp?

I wonder.......
if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There
are plenty more ribs where you came from!"

I have decided.......
that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.

I have noticed........
when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you? But when you put him
in a car he sticks his head out the window!

Also:
you have to fight to give a dog a bath,
yet they'll sit out in the rain for hours
on end.

I'm not into working out!
My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Have you ever noticed... that anybody
going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac?

[frodi]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great.
I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to
his companion,
"Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know .... the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[frodi]

"We Must Stop This Conspiracy!
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age,everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well,REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist,hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer
these awful indignities.

[frodi]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and
an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters
showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent
had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending
you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no
for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was
that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[frodi]

Ronald, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his
wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the
world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking
through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a
very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench.
Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking
white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly,"
and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything.
They discovered that they came from the same part of the country,
liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential
candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in
the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked
sheepishly,
"Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied,
"Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and
spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down
on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of
hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all
my life.
Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Ronald's hands and said,
"Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia
said,
"You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second
question?"
Ronald scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

[frodi]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

[frodi]

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50 th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are, " Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?: another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her"

[frodi]

Song rewritten ~ My Favorite things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad

[frodi]

An old lady stood at the railing of a cruise ship, holding on tight to her hat so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon my forwardness, madam, but were you aware that your dress is blowing up in the wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam," the gentleman said in a worried tone, "you must know that your private parts are exposed!"

The old lady glanced down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[frodi]

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol'lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?"

She replies: "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?"

He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

[frodi]

The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."

"What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd never needed while teaching.

"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.

Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.

The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed.

"Tea or coffee, sir?"

"Tea," the man replied.

"And for your brother?"

[frodi]

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[frodi]

After a year at sea, a sailor comes ashore, gets drunk, and runs to a
brothel.

The old madam says, "All my girls are busy, but I'll take care of you."

He says, "I'm desperate, so you'll do."

They go into a room, and after a while, the madam says, "I may have
winter in my hair, but I've got summer in my heart!"

The sailor says, "Yeah, well, if you don't get a little more spring in
your ass, we're gonna be here 'til Fall."

[frodi]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill", answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.

[frodi]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" asks the first man.

"Oh, nothing special, replies the second. I'm only having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex? What is that?" asks the first man incredulously.

"Oh, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[frodi]

When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all of her medical charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, and she gave him the normal litany of complaints: this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

[frodi]

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to got to the head.

When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then saw it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

[frodi]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?"

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80 ?"

[frodi]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aide.
It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art."

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."

[frodi]

Two older women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party. "My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Coleen.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Melinda.

Coleen responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

[frodi]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes

[frodi]

This will warm your heart! Just when you lost faith in human kindness: This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Life is good.

Sincerely,
Irene

[frodi]

A elderly woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time. She said they still didn't fit.

"Well," said the dentist "I'll do it again this time, but no more. There's no reason why these shouldn't fit your mouth easily."

"Who said anything about my mouth?" the woman
answered. "They don't fit in the glass!"

[frodi]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[frodi]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,
"Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"


Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby."


"Really!? Like a baby!?"


"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself!"

[frodi]

Poor Little Lady

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a
park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[frodi]

ABC's OF AGING

A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the
word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
Z is for zest for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,

And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed

[frodi]

An old man is lying on his death-bed when he catches a whiff of home-made chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering all his strength he manages to get out of bed and make his way down to the kitchen. Just as he is reaching out for the plate of cookie, his wife suddenly smacks him on the hand with a wooden spoon.

"Stay out of those," she yells. "They're for the funeral!"

[frodi]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than said, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the
first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

[frodi]

This is from a "Dumb Criminal Act" web site.

Don't Mess With Granny


An elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall. Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She drove to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a mean old lady; no charges were filed.