Elderly Humor

[frodi]

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "BINGO"!

[frodi]

Yearly Physical

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear

[frodi]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

[frodi]

The Sin

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

[frodi]

No Male Pallbearers

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

[frodi]

A very self-important college freshman at a recent football game, took
it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why
it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.
"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the
student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people
today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on
the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing ....and uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the
"wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things
when we were young........so we invented them...... you arrogant little
shithead!! Now......what are you doing for the next generation??"

I love senior citizens!!!

[frodi]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!

NAME:
George Martin

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car
that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes,
so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE...
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE

BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

**Old People Rock! ***

[frodi]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

[frodi]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the
same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then
gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has
his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?




The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen

[frodi]

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

[frodi]

"Lovemaking tips for seniors"

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 (999) on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete what you started.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9.. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

[frodi]

A GRANDMOTHER'S OBSERVATION


I just spent several hours observing teenagers who were hanging out at our local mall. I came to the conclusion that many teenagers in America are living in poverty. Most of the young men I observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.

But that wasn't the sad part . . .many of them were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some of these jeans were so big and baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some of them must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddy's good jeans,for most of them had holes ripped in the knees and had a dirty look to them.

It grieved me that in a modern, affluent society like America, there are people who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I have been thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for the "poor kids at the mall."

Then on Christmas Eve, I could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.I don't think this group of guys had even had much to eat, because as they were walking, their heads leaned to one side as if they didn't have enough strength to keep them up. Oh, they tried. With each step, they tried to lift them up, but to no avail; they always dropped back to the side.

This group of guys must be from the same family, because they all walked with their heads bobbing together in the same manner. But that wasn't the saddest part....It was the girls they were hanging out with that disturbed me the most.

I have never in all of my life seen such "poor" girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys . . .they all had to wear their little sisters' clothes. Their jeans were about five sizes too small. I don't know how they could even put them on,let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hip bones. Most of them also had on their little sister's top;it hardly covered their midsection.

Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.

However, it was their underwear that bothered me the most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, also had their underwear exposed. I have never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of . . . string.

I know it also saddens your heart to receive this report on the condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby,there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together.

I think their "poorness" is why these two groups gather at the mall.... the boys with their short daddy's ripped jeans,and the girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes.The mall is one place where they can find acceptance.

So, the next time you are at the mall doing your shopping and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them?

And one more thing . . .Will you pray that the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break.

[frodi]

Harold and Maude were in bed one evening when Harold noticed he had a huge erection.

Excited he said "Maude, look at this! Will you give me a blowjob?"

"No," replied Maude, "but you can borrow my false teeth if you like..."

[frodi]

feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

[frodi]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a Sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet Across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu Hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually, we carry many different Models.'

The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk Onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss Ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?'

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks, 'Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe Ssunoooffabbitch offffff?'

[frodi]

The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?

"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age..."

[frodi]

"What do we want!"

"Err, we don't know."

"When do we want it...!"

"When do we want what?"

- Alzheimers protest march.

[frodi]

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!"

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"

The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!".
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.

[frodi]

One day I recieved a letter from grandma...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

[frodi]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'

[frodi]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, $20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the Way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."

[frodi]

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on , I choose only to deal with a Flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client.

[frodi]

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

[frodi]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have Alzheimer's,
So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.

[frodi]

At the local pub an elderly husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the pub where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds crazy, but let's do it!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,


'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[frodi]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find
that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks

[frodi]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique;
pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!!! said the
Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

[frodi]

n elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[frodi]

EXERCISE ADVICE FOR PENSIONERS:

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 50-kg potato sacks (I'm at this level) and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

When you can do this, try putting a potato in each sack.

[frodi]

Upon reaching 81, Bob decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Bob obliged and went out for a couple of hours..

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And, oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 81 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look... I even got a membership card."

"You crazy old bastard, where's your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"