Elderly Humor

[frodi]

Every ten years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail.
A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met,
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was a priest;
Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait as they've set the date;
Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;
My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party,
I'll dance until dawn's early light.
It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one
Other person can make it that night.

Author Unknown

[frodi]

BLESS LITTLE OLD LADIES...

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance, by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts and says "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

[frodi]

An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it
home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon us, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

[frodi]

Posted by Guest on July 16 2003,07:22
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company, so off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, he looked and winked at her.

The frog whispered , "I'm lonely too. Buy me, and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured....What the heck, she hadn't found anything else, so she brought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "Kiss me and you won't be sorry."

So the old lady figured "Why not?" and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous
sexy young handsome prince.

The prince then kissed the old lady back, and guess what the old lady turned into?

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND!

Hey, she's old, not stupid!

[frodi]

Two old men decided they are close to their last days on earth and decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they ended up at local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and to her goes to her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up stairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

[frodi]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Are you a Christian or some kind of a religious person?"

"No, I don't believe in anything."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

[frodi]

Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola
as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a "stiff one". Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails,"
"highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name of:
"MOUNT & DO."

[frodi]

An elderly woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

[frodi]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny dipping in his pond.

When the women became aware of his presence they all
went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: With enough incentive, old age and treachery will triumph over youth and inexperience.

[frodi]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Bless her heart.

[frodi]

Two OAPs were sitting in a cafe in town having coffee. One says to the other, "Did you come on the bus?" The other says, "Yes, but I managed to disguise it as an asthma attack."

Another two OAPs are sitting in the sunshine on a park bench and one says, "It's nice out, innit?" The other one says, "Yes, but put it away, there's a couple of nuns walking towards us!" But it was too late. One nun fainted and the other had a stroke.

An old age pensioner, who was 93, went into a nursing home. The nubile young nurses immediately took a shine to him.
The next day one of the nurses asked him outright, "You are cute, would you like some super sex?" The pensioner replied, "Well, my dear, at my age I had better choose the soup!"

Another 93 year old pensioner was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young man passed him and asked him what was wrong. The old man cried, "Boo hoo, I've just won £10 million on the Lottery, inherited a £2 million mansion, and I've just married Claudia Schiffer who's at home waiting for me." "What on earth are you crying for, then?" asked the young man. To which the old geezer replied, "I've forgotten where I live!"

[frodi]

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer
and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
10. Instead of laughing at the Innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
12 . Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
15. Pop music all starts to sound crap. [because it IS !]
16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
18. You always have enough milk in.
19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
23. You wish you had a shed.
24. You have a shed.
25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV
channels" and "Of course, in my day...."
26. Radio 1 play more songs you know than 2fm - and John Creedon has some really interesting guests on.
27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at school children whose diction is poor.
28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20's gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on pisssing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in ...
31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

[frodi]

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being
104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure,"

[frodi]

An elderly couple has been dating for some time when they finally decide it's time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they go to dinner at a beautiful restaurant and have a long conversation about their blissful future. They discuss finances, living arrangements, the grown kids, and so on. Finally the old guy decides it's time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I'd like it infrequently."

The old guy sits quietly for a moment. Then he peers over his glasses, looks her in the eye and asks, "Was that one or two words?"

[frodi]

Bedroom Rugby

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7points each".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

[frodi]

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...holy sh-t what a ride!"

[frodi]

An old Cajun was celebrating his 92 years on this
Earth. Sitting down, he smiled and spoke to his toes.

"Hello, dere toes!" he said. "how you are toes?
You know, you 92 today! Oh, de time we had! Remember
when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty
girl every Sunday afternoon? Dem time we
deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah,
ah-heeeee! Happy birthday, toes!"

" Hello dere, knees," he said. "How you are, knees?
You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh!
Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh
boy, de hurdle we jumpe together me and you.
Happy birthday, knees!"

Then he looked down at his crotch and shook his head.
" Hello dere, Pierre You little booger you. Did
you know if you was alive today, you'd be 92!"

[frodi]

An elderly gentleman decides to retire to Florida and he goes around checking out all of the different retirement communities. Eventually, he ends up at a combination retirement/nudist village.

After the old man expresses his doubts about living in a nudist resort, the sales manager convinces him to walk around and check out the place. But first, he can leave all his clothes in a locker.

The old guy is a little nervous at first but then gets used to the situation, and ends up walking down by the beach, smoking a cigar. He sees one of the non-retiree women walking toward him. She's so beautiful with such a knockout body, he starts to get an erection. The woman sees this and immediately runs up to him, drops to her knees and gives him the greatest blowjob he has ever had. When she finishes, she jumps up, gives him a kiss on the cheek and runs off into the bushes.

The old man runs back to the sales office, tells the manager the story, and signs all the paperwork, giving the retirement village all of his assets in exchange for an apartment for the rest of his life.

He moves in the next day and decides to have a cigar out on the beach again. As he's walking along this time, he drops his cigar. When he bends over to pick it up, one of the lifeguards, a 6 foot 3 inch total hunk jumps out of the bushes and takes him up the rear.

The old gent runs to the sales office and says he wants to cancel the deal. The manager says "Why cancel? I thought you had a great time yesterday."

The old man says "I know. But the problem is I get an erection maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I drop my cigar a lot!"

[frodi]

Two police officers driving down a dark street noticed an older lady staggering along the sidewalk. Seeing she had far too much to drink, they decided to take her home, rather than to the station.

She got in the back seat with one of the officers, and they asked that she tell them when they get to her house.

After slowly driving for a while she puts her hand on the arm of the officer in the back, and says "you're passionate." He pulls his arm away.

The driver goes around the block and again she puts her hand on the officer's arm and says "You're Passionate." This goes on several times, until they pull over to the curb.

"Ma'am, are going to tell us where you live?"

"I've alweady toll you sevril times whur I live, but as soon as ah says 'you're passin it', you keep goin.'"

[frodi]

"Cool pickup line for the elderly"

A very elderly gentleman (mid nineties), very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of
a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The
gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[frodi]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in
town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the
banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker
then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November." Now
the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that an eighty-year-old man
could not satisfy the sexual appetite of a young woman.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to
help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this
was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About
four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
"And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate us old geezers.

[frodi]

Wine for Seniors....
Napa Valley vintners who are famous for Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have come up with a hybrid grape that's anti-diuretic.
Reducing the nighttime trips to the bathroom for elderly, it will be marketed as Pinot More.

[frodi]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late
one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend"
he said.

The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a
lovely ring
priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand, I
want something very unique he said.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock
from the safe.

"Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000." The
girls'eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would
take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure
everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and
you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on
Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man.
"You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic
weekend I had?

[frodi]

Ending it All

One day an old lady was talking to another old lady "I'm fed up with life I want to kill myself. What would be the easiest and quickest way to do it?"

The other one says, "Shoot yourself under your left breast."

The next day she's in the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.

[frodi]

Charitable Act

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I'm sure that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[frodi]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said I don't
think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive.
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill answered the son. I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[frodi]

Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she stated, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The old lady replied, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

[frodi]

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[frodi]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it hadn't been for that damned Ice Cream Truck".

[frodi]

Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn't reach that far