Elderly Humor

[frodi]

Grandma, sitting in bed, proclaims "Hmmm -- I fancy a bowl of ice cream right now".



Grandpa, who is walking around, quickly suggests "Oh, I'll go get you a bowl, dear."



"You old fool", she replies, "you'll just go to the kitchen and forget why you're there. It'll be faster if I get it".



"No, no, no honey. A bowl of ice cream - simple. I'll be right back" he says as he shuffles off the the kitchen.



However, as he stares into the fridge, he can't quite remember what he's supposed to fetch for his wife. He decides that she wanted some eggs and so he quickly scrambles up a couple for her.



He returns to his wife with the plate of eggs and a fork and immediate hears:



"You old fool! I knew you'd forget!! Where's the bacon?!"

[frodi]

Sadie and Yetta, two widows are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell ... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car ... a limousine, even, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show ... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just die from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me
two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey ... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No ... I'm just saying, vear an old dress."

[frodi]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social
Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his
age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt, revealing
lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten
disability too."

[frodi]

Q. You know what's the really nice thing about having

Alzheimer's disease?



A. You're ALWAYS meeting new people

[frodi]

Old Is When . . .

. . . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

. . . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

. . . "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

. . . Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

. . . Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

. . . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

[frodi]

"SEX!!!"

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "She's got Parkinson's."

[frodi]

Elderly Love

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local copy and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"

The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So, off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.

The copy was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.

Eventually, they stoop up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the copy stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric!"

[frodi]

The Old Man and the Young Wife

A 95 year old gent marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so frail. the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over-exert himself.

After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling which is again successful. Her hubby bids her a fond good night and leaves.

The bride is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again, ready for more!!

Once again, they do it horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough energy to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one!"

The groom looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "You mean, I was already here?"

[frodi]

NO JUSTICE

There was this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 6 miles everyday. One morning, he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her can, remarking "there is really no justice in the world." The other lady said, "What do you mean by that?"

The other little old lady said, "Look at that...

When I was 20.....I was curious about it.
When I was 30.....I enjoyed it.
When I was 40.....I asked for it.
When I was 50.....I paid for it.
When I was 60.....I prayed for it.
When I was 70.....I forgot about it.

And...now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too damn old to squat!!"

[frodi]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago!

[frodi]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.



One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, pauses, and yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"



The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the steps and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"



The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. Shaking her head she says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[frodi]

Senior Personal Ads

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

(Who sez seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss
collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[frodi]

True story from TV repairman:

The funniest thing that ever happened on a service call: I was at an
elderly lady's house one afternoon on a repair call and she had company
of a couple more ladies. They were talking about knitting and
crocheting and table cloths, doilies, etc. One of the ladies said in a
high pitched voice, "why you won't believe what happened to one of
mine. A mouse got in my drawers and ate the fringe off my
centerpiece!!!""" I lost it and bumped my head plus got shocked.......

:0

[frodi]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

[frodi]

A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate.

Back at home, they were reflecting over the past 50 years. She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, two beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer.

A beautiful home and a new car every three years.

The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them to death.

If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."

"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."

"What is that?" says the wife."

"A blowjob," says the husband.

The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blowjob, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so okay."

She unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blowjob. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.

The husband answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, cock sucker, it's for you." :0

[frodi]

The Dirty Old Man

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

[frodi]

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

[frodi]

While working for a meals on wheels to the elderly organization, I used to take my 4 year old son on the afternoon rounds. He was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particulary the canes, wheelchairs. One day I found him staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for his barrage of questions, he merely turned and whispered," The tooth fairy will never believe this!

[frodi]

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.


NO CHARGES WERE FILED!

[frodi]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Annie: What's that?
Molly: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Annie: Where did you get it?
Molly: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Annie hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The bloke, obviously embarrassed, looks at her very strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Annie: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

[frodi]

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS

Put bifocals on.

Double check that you're with the right partner.

Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

*********************************

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding. I can't even manage to do it once. What's your secret?"

Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."

So the second old man rushes to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."

The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get hard before you're done."

The old man says, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

*********************

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"

His son replied, $10 each.

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!!"


**********************
Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.

"You know, " says Sadie, "I've been reading this "'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever
have mutual orgasm?

"No," says Ester, "I think we had Allstate."

[frodi]

"Man's Three Rules When Getting Old"

Never pass a bathroom,
don't waste a hard-on,
and never trust a fart

[frodi]

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

[frodi]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

[frodi]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I
could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was
red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but
was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a
row? You could have killed us.

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

[frodi]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor,
crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

[frodi]

Nearly true story...

One of our ex-employees has reached 100 years old.

In honour of the fact that she's been drawing her pension for 40 years the fund administrator sent her a birthday card.

It said "Drop Dead"

[frodi]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[frodi]

Two young men were talking to an old man. One of them decided to have some fun with the old man and asked him, "Hey, old timer, are you getting any on the side?"

The old man told him, "It's been so long since I've had any, I didn't know they had moved it."

[frodi]

Did you hear the one about the two elderly woman who were flashed by a jogger in a green rain coat?

One took a stroke.

The other one could not reach him.