Elderly Humor

[Jackie]

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.

“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.

Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7.”

[Gimpy]

An elderly couple returned to the Audi dealership where the salesman had just sold the car they wanted and were saving for -- to a young, gorgeous, leggy, busty young woman, for $60,000.
The elderly man said to the salesman, "You promised you would hold that car until we had the $75,000 and that Is the lowest price you could go."
The salesman said, blushing while also grinning, "Well, Pops, what can I say? Just look at who I sold it to ..."
Just then, the young lady and new owner came over, handed the key to the elderly gent and said, "I told you I could get the slick idiot to lower the price, Grandpa. See you at dinner."
Don't mess with seniors

[Gimpy]

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Deleted]

Too Much Rain Jokes

Adele might set fire to rain...  

But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.  

Worrying is stupid.  

It's like walking around with an umbrella, waiting for it to rain.  

If you admire the rainbow after the rain, why not love again after the pain?  

Be strong now because things will get better.  

It might be stormy now,  

But it can't rain forever She acts like summer and walks like rain.  

Without rain or semen, life could not continue I tried to catch fog.  

I mist.  

Kiss her in the rain so she knows it's real It's going to be drizzy outside.  

Expect a Lil Wayne. You can't have a rainbow without a little rain.  

"Let it rain, let it pour, because you don't love me anymore."  

Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain, kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain Every heartache will fade away, just like every storm runs, runs out of rain" In the rain Chuck Norris does not need an umbrella.  

The raindrops avoid him.

[Gimpy]

Two older men were talking over coffee at the local restaurant.
Finally one man got up and said, "Guess I'd better get going."

The other man asked, "What's the hurry?"

The first man said, "I've got some mechanical work to do."

The other man said, "Oh really! What do you have to do?"

The first man said, " I got to put a rear end in my recliner!"

[MalcolmR]

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash. They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise. When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. "It's all free," Peter replied. "We are in heaven, after all."

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday. Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?" "It's free!" came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection. "How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"

"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.
"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your fuckin bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[Gimpy]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness'
'No problem', said the president of the bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland

[Gimpy]

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car!

[MalcolmR]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[graham]

I just bought myself a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.

No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!

[MalcolmR]

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are today, I've just visited my 90 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shops. Turns out she did, so I've given her my list.

No point in both of us going out in this weather.

[graham]

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.


He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the cinema.

[MalcolmR]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little butt head's name is Kevin." .

[Bomber]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to produce a semen specimen as part of his physical exam. The doctor gives him a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. Thee doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Mary the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open."

[Bomber]

85 rear-old wife: Do you want to go upstairs and have sex?

88 year-old husband: That's as either/or question.

[Bomber]

On his 75th birthday, a Jewish man Abe who lived in Arizona, got a gift certificate from his wife Sophie. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what would happen next.
The medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on Abe’s shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Abe was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Abe was very eager to see if it worked so he rushed home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When Sophie came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
Sophie became very excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, gentlemen and ladies , is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Bomber]

Mr. Moskowitz is at the pool in his retirement community.
The lifeguard calls him over and says “Mr. Moskowitz, we’ve had complaints about you peeing in the pool.”
Moskowitz is incensed. “What do you mean? Why are you picking on me? Everybody pees in the pool.”
Lifeguard sighs and says “not from the diving board.”

[Bomber]

Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Charlie, a balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store last
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
Charlie said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned Charlie and said, "Sir...There's no money in that account."
''I know," said Charlie, "But let me tell you about my weekend."

[Bomber]

At 85 years of age, Morris married Cindy , a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband was so old, Cindy decided that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Cindy prepared herself for bed and waited for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Cindy , and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Cindy hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Cindy consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Cindy , bids her a fond goodnight, and leaves.

Cindy is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Morris.”

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Cindy and says, “You mean I was here already?”

[Bomber]

A wise old cattleman once told a young neighbor that if she wanted to live a long, long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.
So the woman did this, religiously, and she lived to the grand age of 103. She left behind fourteen children, thirty grandchildren, twenty-one great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren, and a forty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Bomber]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Miriam went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
“You know we live down the street from a church and he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Miriam told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," her grandmother. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring every Sunday. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive today if the ice cream van hadn't come along!

[Bomber]

Sammy and Becky are going on a cruise for their 60th anniversary. They are running late and Becky forgets to bring her hearing aids and is having a hard time understanding her husband. As they are the last to get on the ship the only room left is one with bunk beds. After spending their first day on the cruise they return to their room to sleep. Sammy points to the bunk beds and asks Becky up or down. Becky looks at him rips off her clothes and makes passionate love to her husband. The next night the same things happens. Sammy points to the bunk beds and says up or down. Becky rips off Sammy's clothes and makes passionate love to him. This goes on all week. When they get back home Becky gets her hearing aids and Sammy says to Becky that was the best sex we have ever had. He then asks her what got into you that you jumped me every night we got into the bedroom. Becky said well every night when we walked into the bedroom you pointed to the window and said f@#k or drown!.

[Bomber]

A 60 year old woman goes into her local sex shop. As soon as she enters, everyone there notices how unstable she is on her feet. Very shakily, she wobbles the few feet across the shop to the counter, grabs it for support, and asks the assistant behind the counter, "Dddoo youuu selll ddiilldoss?"
The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock."
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" she asks.
The assistant replies, "Yes we do."
"Ththaannkk yyyouuu. Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"