Animal Antics.

[MalcolmR]

Animal Antics
Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 3:26 pm
by Juli
Two seagulls fly over a race track.

One says "Look, there's a race down below!"

Other one says " I'm gonna put everything I got on number 5."

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
A magician gets a gig aboard a cruise ship. The captain of the ship has a pet parrot. At every one of the magician's performances, the parrot screams and squawks and tells the audience how the magician did the trick, "Hey, he had another card in his sleeve"....."Hey, there's two people in the box he sawed in half" and so on.

One night, there is a terrific explosion in the engine room, and the ship sinks. The only two survivors are the magician and that damned parrot. The magician and the parrot are floating on the piano from the lounge. The parrot is staring, and staring , and staring at the magician;finally he squawks "All right,I give up. Whaad ya do with the damned boat?"

[MalcolmR]

It was a hot sunny day and a fly was resting in a branch above a river, it thought to itself, "If I go down 3 inches, the mist from the river will cool me down."

A fish was in the river, thinking , "If that fly comes down 3 inches, I can jump out and eat it."

A bear was in the trees close to the river, thinking, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will jump out of the water and I can eat it."

Meanwhile, a hunter was sitting up on the bank eating a cheese sandwich thinking, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will jump out of the water, the bear will come out from behind the trees and I can shoot him and have a decent lunch."

You might think this is enough activity beside a river but there is more!

A mouse was in the undergrowth thinking to himself, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich, and I can eat the cheese."

A cat was in the bushes thinking, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich, the mouse will eat the cheese and I can eat the mouse."

Suddenly, the fly could stand the heat no more and went down 3 inches, the fish jumped out to eat it, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear and dropped his cheese sandwich, the mouse grabbed the cheese and the cat dived for the mouse... The mouse ducked and the cat flew in the river and drowned!!!!

The moral of the story is: If a fly goes down 3 inches, there is a pussy in trouble somewhere.

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
Did you hear about the disaster at Texas A&M?

The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up.

The scientists are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus' pieces.

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It's empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it's empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time. I haven't made the fucking porridge, yet!"

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Siberian Husky dog. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her crystal blue eyes in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the husky. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the sibe. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.....

READY?

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[MalcolmR]

y Juli
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever
seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and
charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
There was a farmer named Kellogg who raised sheep, and he had this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tried to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also had quite a temper (the ram, not Kellogg). A bunch of ravens had their nests nearby--about 20 ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than 4 sheep are a flock, etc. Anyway, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward and the ram would crash into the fence.

Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of the way in time and he was crushed against the fence post. The others decided to get revenge. When Farmer Kellogg came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the baling machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up--and the ram ran straight into the baler. He came out the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with:

Two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellogg's brazen ram.

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

* When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
* Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
* Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!
* How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
* Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
* Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
* Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
* Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
* How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
* Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
* Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
* When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
* Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
* The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
* Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
NEW DOG BREEDS!

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"

[MalcolmR]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[MalcolmR]

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his frigging head.

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
If a dog was your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

* When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
* When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
* Take naps. Stretch before rising.
* Run, romp, and play daily.
* Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
* On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
* On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
* When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
* No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.... run right back and make friends.
* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
* Be loyal.
* Never pretend to be something you're not.
* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
* When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
* And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
Ben wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla perched in a tree near his bedroom window. Shocked, he calls the local animal control officer who transfers his call to an exotic animal specialist.

Ben explains the situation, and the specialist asks, 'Is the gorilla male or female?'

'A male, I think,' says Ben.

'Okay, I'll be right over to take care of him,' the specialist says.

A few minutes later, the specialist arrives with a Chihuahua, a club, handcuffs and a shotgun.

The specialist explains his plan to Ben: 'I'll climb up to the gorilla and knock him out of the tree with the club. When the gorilla hits the ground, the Chihuahua will run over and try to bite him in the crotch. The gorilla will then cross his hands over his vitals to cover them. That's your cue to slap the cuffs on him. Got it?'

'Sure. But what's the shotgun for?' Ben asks.

'If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, use it to shoot the darn Chihuahua.

[MalcolmR]

by Juli
For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog. When the dog found out I was Jewish, he bit me.

He was a wonderful watchdog. One evening, while I was being held up, he watched.

Everybody who has a dog calls him either Rover or Boy. I called mine Sex. Now Sex is a very embarassing name.

One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for the dog. A cop came over to me and said, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and told the clerk, "I would like to have a license for Sex!" He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand. I had Sex since I was two years old." He said, "You must have been a very strong baby."

I told the Judge that when my husband and I separated, we went to Court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." And...the Judge said, 'Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. And he said, "Me too." When I told him that I had Sex on TV, he said "Showoff." I told him that it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.

I also told the Judge about the time when my husband and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog, Sex. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my husband and I and a special room for Sex. The clerk told me that every room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said, 'Me too.".....I give up !!!!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:41 pm
by Juli
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb??

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Pul-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants...

Lab: Oh, me, me !!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark!

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there.......

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:42 pm
by Juli
Four union workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first man was a United Auto Worker who said his dog could do math calculations. He dog was named T-Square and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle; which the dog did with no sweat.

The United Steel Worker member said he thought his dog was better. His dog, named Slide-Rule was told to fetch a dozen cookies and bring them back and divide them into four piles of three; which Slide-Rule did with no problems.

The Oil Chemical and Atomic Worker member said that was good but he felt his dog was better. His dog, named Measure, was told to go get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three agreed this was very good and all the dogs were smart. They all turned to the Teamster member and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Teamster member called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said, "Show the fellows what you can do!"

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, and screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed for Worker's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:43 pm
by Juli
"Why Dogs Are Better than Women"

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that you are their master.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs have ten breasts.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:44 pm
by Juli
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, so she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch. She ate, and ate, and ate...then, she ate some more.

Finally she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork learning upright against the barn wall.

She found a solution. She realized if she could just become airborne, she'd be able to fly again. So she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splat!...Hit the floor.

Dead Fly.

The moral of this sad story:.... "Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:46 pm
by Juli
How to Clean a Cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:46 pm
by Juli
Typical dog, knows nothing about technology. The BEST way is to put the cat in the washing machine. Don't add conditioner, because it can sting their eyes. Press half load and wait for the cycle to complete. The cat will be a tiny bit dizzy, so it's therefore easy to scoop it out and dry it off in the microwave.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:47 pm
by Juli
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well, I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:47 pm
by Juli
A little regional humor:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo it could be done.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:48 pm
by Juli
How Women and Dogs Are the Same

Both look stupid in hats.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have hip problems.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither understands football.

Neither believes that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a check book.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:48 pm
by Juli
Snail Buys a Fast Car

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"