Animal Antics.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:47 pm
by Juli
Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.

When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, "Papa, where were you all night, last night?" Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy."

Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning.

When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, "Mama, where were you all last night?" "I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.

Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't arrive home until early morning. Papa was angry. "Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?"

"Out scaring the shit out of college students," Baby Stork giggled.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:48 pm
by Juli
One day, out at sea, there's a terrible shipwreck. The only survivors are an old lady and a parrot. After a couple days of drifting along, clutching to an old board, the parrot turns to the lady and says, "Hey lady, how's your wrinkled old ass?

"Shut up!" she replies.

"Huh," says the parrot. "Mine too. Must be the salt water."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:48 pm
by Juli
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:49 pm
by Juli
A farmer had five female pigs and as times were hard, he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. As the farmers lived sixty miles from one another they agreed to meet halfway and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "Tomorrow morning, if they're in the grass grazing, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so the farmer called the other farmer, hosed his pigs off; loaded them into the family station wagon again and drove off to try again. The following morning, it was mud again !!

This continued for a week until one morning the farmer was so tired he couldn't get out of bed. He called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Well, neither," yelled his wife. "They're all in the station wagon, and one of them's honking the horn!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:49 pm
by Juli
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him. "Speak," she said, "Speak!"

"Under the circumstances," the dog said, "I hardly know what to say."

[MalcolmR]

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the minced beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of minced beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:55 pm
by Juli
I swiped this from my favorite magazine, Reader's Digest.....

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:56 pm
by Juli
Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9.Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:00 pm
by Juli
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all! " The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:19 pm
by Juli
Difference between Dogs & Cats:

Your dog looks at you:
you provide his food, his water, his bed, you lavish attention on him, etc.,
and the dog thinks: "Wow - he must be God!"

Your cat looks at you:
you provide his food, his water, his bed, you lavish attention on him, etc.,
and the cat thinks: "Wow - I must be God!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:25 pm
by Juli
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You have lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all of my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased, we have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected. And those Meals on Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:26 pm
by Juli
Elephant jokes....

Why do elephants lay on their backs with their feet in the air?
To trip low flying birds of course.

Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles?
From playing marbles.

Why don't elephants use bathtubs?
They do.. as beach hats!

How can you tell if an elephant is on it's period?
Your mattress is gone and there is a quarter on your dresser.

Why don't elephants drink martinis?
Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?

What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming down the hill?
"Here's comes Tarzan down the hill."

What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming down the hill with sunglasses on?
Nothing, they didn't recognize him.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in strawberry patches.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
Works doesn't it?

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the pizza.

What time is it when see an elephant sitting on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:26 pm
by Juli
An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he
spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark.

"Because I recognized it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:27 pm
by Juli
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand...

If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...

Get a CAT.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:28 pm
by Juli
A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:29 pm
by Juli
For the Ladies:

A Bear's Life
---------------
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup.... I wanna be a bear.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:30 pm
by Juli
To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference
between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:31 pm
by Juli
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:34 pm
by Juli
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting". So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it---where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:36 pm
by Juli
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. The shopkeeper fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000.' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'

The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'

'Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'

The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant.'

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:53 pm
by Juli
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.

The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.

After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:56 pm
by Juli
Two rabbits and a hedgehog are standing by the side of a road one day when the hedgehog says to the rabbits, "Tell me how do you rabbits manage to cross the road safely when we always seem to get splattered by a car."

"Well thats easy" says one of the rabbits, "All you have to do is first make sure nothing is coming either way then make your way across, keeping a look out for any cars, if you see a car coming towards you. turn and face it and stare at the driver, he will see you, then just as the car gets close to you roll yourself up into a ball and the car will go over you with the wheels either side of you then carry on to the other side of the road."

"Brilliant" says the hedgehog "I'll try that now."

So the hedgehog looks both ways, nothing coming, so off he goes across the road, keeping a look out for any cars.

Just over halfway across he sees a car coming towards him, so he does exactly as the rabbits told him, he turns round and faces the car, stares at the driver, and just as the car gets close he curls up into a ball.

SPLAT!!!!....

The car squashes the poor little sod in the middle of the road.

On the side of the road the two rabbits have just witnessed what has happened.

One rabbit says to the other, "Shit that was unlucky, that's the first time I have ever seen a Reliant Robin come down this road."

(just for info, a Reliant Robin was a 3-wheeler British car with the one front wheel in the middle).

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:10 pm
by Juli
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said, 'BRING POSSE!'"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:10 pm
by Juli
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:11 pm
by Juli
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[MalcolmR]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a #$@*%#&* liar."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:13 pm
by Juli
Subject: the snake and the bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over,and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:13 pm
by Juli
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:14 pm
by Juli
A baby penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Have you seen my dad?"

The barman says, "What does he look like?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:14 pm
by Juli
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rottweiler's ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"