Animal Antics.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:15 pm
by Juli
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:20 pm
by Juli
Little Known Feline Ailments

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS

Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING

Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING

Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)

Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME

Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER

Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING

Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ

Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:22 pm
by Juli
A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.

Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.

Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.

Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.

Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.

Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet, remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a handheld rotating saw.

For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.

Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.

Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.

Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:24 pm
by Juli
While attempting to earn some money as a street performer at the zoo, an out-of-work mime got an offer from the zookeeper.

The zoo's most popular attraction, the gorilla, had suddenly died and the zookeeper wanted the mime to dress up like a gorilla to keep attendance up until another gorilla was found. The mime accepted the offer.

The next morning, he suited up and entered the gorilla cage before the crowds arrived. He had a great time sleeping, playing, swinging on tires, and making fun of people, but eventually the crowds were tiring of his antics and started paying more attention to the lion in the next cage.

The mime wanted the attention by this point, so he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The visitors loved it. At the end of the day, the zookeeper gave him a raise for keeping the crowds so entertained.

This continued for several days, with the crowds growing larger all the time. But one day, the mime slipped and fell into the lion's cage. The lion prepared to pounce on the terrified man. The mime ran around the cage, yelling and screaming for help, but the lion was quick and pinned him to the ground.

He looked up at the lion with fear showing through his gorilla mask, when the lion growled and said, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:24 pm
by Juli
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight-lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely worn out, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:25 pm
by Juli
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, 'Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?'

'I'm a cow.'

'Right, right. What do you do?'

'I make milk for the farmer.'

'Cool.' The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. 'Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?'

'I'm a chicken.'

'Oh, right. What do you do?'

'I make eggs for the farmer.'

'Right, great, see ya round.' Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, 'Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?'

'I am a Stallion,' said the stallion.

'Wow,' said the zebra. 'What do you do?'

'Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you.'

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:26 pm
by Juli
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion," said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that," George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle," said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George! One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure!" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other.

George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say, "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am...."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:26 pm
by Juli
Once there was an elephant who had a thorn stuck in her foot, and she couldn't get it out.

During that time, an ant walked along, and said, "Did you want help getting it out?" And the elephant said "would you?" And the ant said "Yes, but you must promise to do something for me, no matter what it is." And the elephant asked "Well, what is it?" And the ant replied "I won't tell you until you agree." And the elephant thought, well, this thorn does hurt an awful lot, and the ant is tiny, so it can't ask TOO much of me, so what the hell. "Alright, I agree to whatever you ask."

So the ant gets right down to work, and within a couple of minutes, the thorn is out. "Oh, thank you so much!" cried the elephant. "So, what was it you wanted?" "Well..." the ant starts "This may sound weird, but I've always wanted to fuck an elephant." The elephant stares at the ant, but then remembers the thorn and says "Well, alright, I did agree after all."

So the ant crawls up, gets into position, and gets going. And just as he starts, a coconut falls out of a tree and hits the elephant right on the head. "OUCH!" screams the elephant.

Then she hears coming from behind her "THAT'S RIGHT, YOU TAKE IT ALL, BITCH!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:27 pm
by Juli
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?" The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "Thats the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:27 pm
by Juli
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"

The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:28 pm
by Juli
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Why am I so much stronger than you are?"

The trembling monkey said, "Because you are the King of the Jungle, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Why am I so much stronger than you are?"

The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, because you are the King of the Jungle, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll, the lion swaggered up to little field mouse and roared, "Why am I so much stronger than you are?"

And the little field mouse replied, "I've been sick."

[MalcolmR]

Page 3 of 4
Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:30 pm
by Juli
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:31 pm
by Juli
On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.

"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?"

"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies. The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."

The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:36 pm
by Juli
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:58 pm
by Juli
A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to carry it to the bedroom.

As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup he slurs:
"Do lemons have little yellow feet?"

The wife looks at him: "No!"

"Shit!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:59 pm
by Juli
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library in sunny SoFla and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and hands them over...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives them what they want. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:01 pm
by Juli
Sam, a business man was driving home after long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said, "Will you give me a ride to Denver Sir?"

Sam was amazed and said, "I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here."

"No Sir," the hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I promise."

The business man was reluctant, but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.

They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that the cow would be fine, not to worry.

Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go to 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.

Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, "I got you, you son of ........"

"What is the matter?" the hitchhiker asked.

"Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said.

"Is it sticking out on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked.

"The left side," Sam said with a smile.

"Well," the hitchhiker said, "You better pull over, she is trying to pass you."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:01 pm
by Juli
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, 'BARK!' and the cat runs away.

'See?' says the mother mouse to her baby. 'Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?'

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:03 pm
by Juli
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:10 pm
by Juli
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish­washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bull dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest bull dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:11 pm
by Juli
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:11 pm
by Juli
And They're Off!

The Horses are at the gate:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry


And away they go:

Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs, Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.

In the back stretch:

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

Around the final turn:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish:

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final sprint and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had a chance.

The winner, Big Dick by a head.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:14 pm
by Juli
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house?
The Lizard of Oz

What's the definition of a nervous breakdown?
A chameleon on a tartan rug

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?
They sit eggsaminations

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
Reptiles

What do you call a rich frog?
A golf blooded reptile

What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth

What kind of bull doesn't have horns?
A bullfrog

What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights

Where do frogs keep their money?
In a river bank

What happened when a frog joined the cricket team?
He bowled long hops

Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they'd look stupid in anoraks

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A little bear

Why is a polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
It lives on ice

Have you ever hunted bear?
No, but I've been shooting in my shorts

How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put him on stilts

What's a teddy bear's favourite pasta?
Tagliateddy

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema

What is a bear's favourite drink?
Koka-Koala !

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:15 pm
by Juli
Harry buys a parrot for companionship. When he gets it home the parrot says, "Fuck you! Eat shit! Everybody is a dickface!"

Harry is appalled. He storms back into the pet shop and says to the owner, "This is a filthy-mouthed parrot. I want my money back."

The pet-shop owner doesn't want to lose the sale, so he instructs Harry to leave the bird with him and come back in a week. "I'll get him in line," the guy says.

When Harry comes back a week later, the pet-shop owner says, "Watch this." He lifts the parrot's left leg, and the parrot recites the Lord's Prayer. He lifts the parrot's right leg, and the bird recites the Hail Mary. So Harry takes it home. And he's so proud of what the parrot can do, he invites his priest over so he can show it off.

At the end of the demonstration the priest says, "What happens when you lift both legs?"

The parrot says, "I fall on my fucking ass, you dumb cocksucker!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:16 pm
by Juli
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit, I gotta go home and screw the cat!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:17 pm
by Juli
An insect repellent salesman, traveling through the countryside, came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir," he said, "my bug spray works so well that I guarantee you will never be bitten again."

The farmer was skeptical, so he made the young man a proposition. "I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray," said the farmer. "In the morning, if there isn't a single bite on you, I will buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went out to the cornfield and he stripped. The farmer then sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

The next morning, the farmer went back out to the cornfield and, sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging from his bonds, without a single bite on him. Not one bite, and yet he was a total wreck, looking pale, haggard and drawn.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "you don't have one bite on you and yet you look like hell. What the devil happened?"

"For crying out loud, mister," the salesman gasped, "doesn't that calf of yours have a mother?!?!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:18 pm
by Juli
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me a leopard."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:21 pm
by Juli
You Know Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease When.....

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Magnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, she already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye!"
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:22 pm
by Juli
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen......had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:24 pm
by Juli
Black November

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of... Black November.

"Come about August, now listen to me,
"Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
"And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
"In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
"She'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
"And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.
"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."