Animal Antics.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:49 pm
by Juli
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador, are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" The Boxer said sadly, "Lethal injection,"

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?" The Doberman says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped and see if they can do anything about my breath."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:49 pm
by Juli
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me, too. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK" said the first, and they plopped down basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love Baskin' Robins."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:51 pm
by Juli
Veterinary Clinic

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.

After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog hasn't got long until he passes away."

"What?" screamed the man, "How can you tell? You haven't even done any test on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever and the dog went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Lab sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."

The man still looked unconvinced, so the vet went out and brought back a Siamese which also walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." The cat then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The vet then says, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $200. The dog's owner was now really furious. $200! Just to tell me my dog is about to die? This is outrageous!" The Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had just taken my word for the earlier diagnosis, the cost would have been just $50. But with the Lab work and the cat scan, well ...... "

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:54 pm
by Juli
15 signs your cat may be trying to kill you...

15. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

14. He actually *does* have your tongue.

13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:54 pm
by Juli
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ar to the ground and listens.
"Buffalo Come" Tonto says.
"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.
"Ear sticky".

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:55 pm
by Juli
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:55 pm
by Juli
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:57 pm
by Juli
THE "CATTY" CORNER.....

Every cat owner should know the meanings of the words below......taken straight from a "feline" dictionary!!

Catacomb: Grooming device for Kitty. Good for removing cat-a-mats.

Catapult: What happens when the catacomb gets caught in the cat-a-mats.

Catnip: What Kitty will give you if you "pull" too hard with the catacomb.

Catcall: Signaling device used to open doors, fill food bowls and receive undivided attention.

Catty-corner: A good place to keep the litter box.

Caterwaul: What sometimes gets hit instead of the litter.

Catkin: The results of an unaltered cat.

Cat's cradle: Where Kitty sleeps, i.e. any bed, sofa, or other warm, comfy spot in the house.

Catwalk: Kitty's daily exercise routine, consists of short trips to the food bowl (with occasional detours to the catty-corner).

Catgut: Essential internal part of the cat, requires filling on an hourly basis.

Category: The icky stuff that Kitty leaves on the porch step after eating the outside of a mouse.

Catfish: What Kitty does in your aquarium. (Hmmmm...and here I thought it was something I caught with my rod and reel!! )
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

Human: an automatic door opener for cats.

Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities by being destructive in such a manner that they are forgiven instantly. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:58 pm
by Juli
A ventriloquist cowboy rides into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch with his dog.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog No Talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?

Dog: Doin' all right.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse No Talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:58 pm
by Juli
Dog Rules

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his dog house can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident" even if it's true.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:59 pm
by Juli
What Pets Say While Watching Humans Having Sex

Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."

Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."

Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."

Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"

Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."

Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?"

Rabbits: "Amateurs!"

Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's FACES while they're doing that?"

Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:02 pm
by Juli
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. As he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

After nearly jumping out of his skin, the thief clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus..."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:03 pm
by Juli
Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?
A: Exactly where you left him.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs and steel testicles?
A: Sparky.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:06 pm
by Juli
Diaries of 2 pets....
Excerpts from a DOG'S diary:
Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. a bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of > a thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives here are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:11 pm
by Juli
Catty Laws.......

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces--the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles. (Unfair, unfair!!)

In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a tail light. (Picture trying to attach ANYTHING to a cat's butt!!)

Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. (Almost broke my nose when I fell out of my chair after reading THAT one!!)

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:12 pm
by Juli
"Toad Suckers"

*The best way to read this poem is in a quick rhythm
while slapping your knee and stomping your foot.

*************

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
Suckin' them hoppy toads, suckin' them plunkers,
Suckin' them leapy types, suckin' them chunkers.

Lookit them toad suckers, ain't they sappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy!
Them hugger-mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Poppin them sucky-toads in they mouth.

How to be a toad sucker? No way to duck it,
Just get yerself a toad, rare back and suck it!

**************

(*Gross footnote: There are actually some people in
this world who will suck on a particular type of frog
for the secretions, which give them a "buzz" as if they
were on drugs!


DISCLAIMER: It is to be noted that Bogwarts do not indulge in this gross, disgusting and revolting behaviour. They prefer toads.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:13 pm
by Juli
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:14 pm
by Juli
Ricky the Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: 'I have just the rooster for you. Ricky here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!'

So the farmer took Ricky back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Ricky a little pep talk. 'Ricky,' he said, 'I'm counting on you to do your stuff.' And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Ricky was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Ricky had finished having his way with each hen. But Ricky didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, 'Stop, Ricky, you'll kill yourself.' But Ricky continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

The next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Ricky lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Ricky.

The farmer walked up to Ricky saying, 'Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy.'

'Shhhhh,' Ricky whispered, 'The buzzard's getting closer.'

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:16 pm
by Juli
A farmer, who keeps summer boarders on his farm, was leaning on the front fence talking to a new arrival, when out in the meadow near the river a young man clad in a bathing suit leaped high in the air and detoured to the ground, his outstretched arms lending considerable grace to his movements.

When he touched the earth again his rebound was magnificent. Then, like an excited fawn, he leaped and ran across the meadow, where he ended his
exhibition with a most beautiful dive over the alder bushes into the river.

"Interpretive dancer?" asked the new boarder.

"Nope, hornets," said the farmer.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:18 pm
by Juli
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:20 pm
by Juli
Back in the olden days a farmer bought a beautiful new horse. One day he rode it into town. The livery stable owner said to him, "Jed, that is one beautiful horse you have there. I'll bet you're really proud of it."

Jed said, "Sure am, but there is one thing wrong with it."

"What's that?"

"Birds," Jed answered.

"Birds?"

"Yep. A bunch of birds has decided to nest in his mane, and I can't seem to run 'em off."

"Hmmmm," mused the stable owner, "never heard of that afore. Why don't you go see Doc Fixeruppper, he'll know what to do?"

The doctor just laughed and said, "No problem, Jed. Go over to the general store and buy some powdered yeast, and when you get home shake a pretty good amount in the horse's mane, run them birds right off."

Next time Jed got to town, he was walking along and met the Doc. "How's your horse getting along," asked the medic, "any more bird problems?"

"No Doc," said Jed, "but I want to ask you something -- how come something as simple as yeast works so well?"

"Well," answered the medic, "Haven't you ever heard that old saying -- Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet?"

[MalcolmR]

Page 2 of 4
Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:24 pm
by Juli
Donkey Theory

I thought this has some merit. One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely.

The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw.With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
a.. Free your heart from hatred.
b.. Free your mind from worries.
c.. Live simply.
d.. Give more.
e.. Expect less.

OH YA,..........ONE MORE THING,


The donkey kicked the shit out of the guy that tried to bury him. Which brings me to another moral for this story:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:26 pm
by Juli
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:32 pm
by Juli
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:36 pm
by Juli
RULES THAT CATS LIVE BY


BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being tepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:38 pm
by Juli
Things Dogs Have To Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:40 pm
by Juli
The Talented Parrot

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can talk to, so he goes to the pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, since you asked, I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "You really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course, I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer." The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asked the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down....?" The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:44 pm
by Juli
A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night.

The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:46 pm
by Juli
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to buy the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 6:47 pm
by Juli
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
-Dave Barry

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner."
-Lynda Montgomery