Animal Antics.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:25 pm
by Juli
Posted by Mac on Nov. 29 2002,02:03
This is in my blog, but I figured this might also be a good place to post it. It's funny when I think about it.

Darn cat!

We have two cats in our house, Mimi and Miko. One strayed to our front porch as a kitten and the 2nd one was obtained from someone out in front of Wal-Fart.

In our spare bedroom I had the wireless access point setup on top of the curtain rod (best signal there). That room is also where I usually set up computers. So Mimi decides she is going to hop in the windows sill. The only problem is that she forgot this is winter and I have the windows closed. She jumps to get in the window sill.

SMACK!!! She hits the glass, rebounds, knocks down my wireless access point, breaks one of its antennas, and runs like hell because she knows I'm upset.

I jerry-rigged the antenna with some duct tape until I can get some super glue tomorrow. Darn cat!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:30 pm
by Juli
HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS

Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

- - don't pee on the tree
- - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- - mind your tail when you are near the tree
- - if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
- - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

- - not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- - don't eat off the buffet table
- - beg for goodies subtly
- - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

- - observe all the rules mentioned above for trees that may be in other people's houses.
- - respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
- - tolerate children
- - turn on your charm big time.

A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:32 pm
by Juli
We had some chickens
No eggs would they lay.
We had some chickens
They wouldn't lay eggs.

One day this rooster.
Come into our yard.
And got them chickens
Right off their guard.

They're laying eggs now
Just like they 'yooster'
Ever since that rooster
Come into our yard.


We had a milk cow
No milk would she give
We had a milk cow - wow
She wouldn't give milk

One day that rooster
Come into our yard
And got that milk cow - WOW
Right off her guard.

She's giving eggnog
In glass containers
Ever since that rooster
Come into our yard.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:33 pm
by Juli
A male crab met a female crab at a party and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.

"Wow," she thought, "this crab is really special. I can't let him get away." So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.

"What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight
before we were married."

"Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:33 pm
by Juli
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:34 pm
by Juli
Two snails were standing on the side of the road. A turtle stops and says, "Do you guys want a ride on my back?" One of the snails takes him up on his offer and off they go.

As the turtle reaches the intersection, another turtle comes along and crashes into him. The poor little snail was thrown off and killed. A cop is investigating the accident and he begins questioning the dead snail's buddy.

"What happened?" he asked.

The little snail replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:34 pm
by Juli
An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends. During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.

"Crap," said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:42 pm
by Juli
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.

Week after week he would come in with the same order.

One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:45 pm
by Juli
Did you know that in the United States the third week in September is National Farm Animals Awareness Week? To tell you the truth, "awareness" is quite an exaggeration. A recent Gallup Poll of barnyard fowl showed that only three chickens in ten could name the Vice President of the United States.

I don't call that awareness.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:52 pm
by Juli
A labrador retriever puppy recently joined my family. His name is Dexter, but lately I refer to him as psycho pup.

This "little" bundle of joy is now 4 months old and weighs 45 pounds. He's getting a bit difficult to handle.

I was working at the computer one night and heard the dog go into the bathroom. I figured he was just chasing the cat
again. Then I heard water sloshing. Oh, he must be getting a drink out of the toilet (you know..... the fresh water in his bowl that he gets every day isn't as good as the water from the toilet) I guess it's a good thing I clean the toilet regularly.

Then all hell broke loose in the bathroom. I thought he was trying to kill the cat or something. I walked into the bathroom to find the dog with both front paws in the toilet bowl just digging away. He looked at me with the biggest shit eating grin on his face, I just had to laugh.

It was as if he was saying "this is sooooo much fun!" There was water everywhere. The rugs were soaked, the dog was soaked, everything.

So........I put him in the bath tub and gave him his first bath.

And the adventures continue.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:53 pm
by Juli
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, grubbiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:53 pm
by Juli
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down
swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all.

He swallowed them hawk, lion, and stinker.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:54 pm
by Juli
(Juli's note: I couldn't decide which version is "better", so I'm putting both here.)


A guy has a truck full of peguins and as he is driving them around he gets pulled over by the local police.

"Do you know why I stopped you?" asks the officer.

"Why no", replies the driver.

The cop says "You can't drive around with a truck full of penguins. Take them to the zoo."

The driver agrees and drives off in the direction of the zoo.

The next day, same officer, same truck but all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The policeman yells at the driver, " I thought I told you to take all these penguins to the zoo?!"

The truck driver replies, "I did take the penguins to the zoo. They loved it so much that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favour.

He offers £20 to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you £20 to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:57 pm
by Juli
A rabbit and a bear were taking a shit next to one another in the woods.

The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "Nope, no problems at all."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:59 pm
by Juli
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:59 pm
by Juli
Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," he said. "It's so clean. The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:11 pm
by Juli
(Another one with equally good versions)

A panda walked into a cafe. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. 'Why?' groaned the injured man. The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he found an explanation. 'Panda,' ran the entry for his assailant. 'Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes.

The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money."

The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living".

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: Person who has sex for money."

Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.

"KOALA BEAR: Eats bushes and leaves."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:13 pm
by Juli
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. As they sit down at the counter, the bartender tells them, that no dogs are allowed. The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted about dogs." The bartender looks at them both and exclaims "Hey! You can talk! This is wild! I'm buying you both a beer". They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their libation.

After a while, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and he can keep the $20 for his trouble.

The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar. When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him. He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he discovers his dog "doing" a French Poodle. Shocked, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!"

The dog looks up at him and says, "Frankly, I've never had $20 before!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:17 pm
by Juli
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

This they tried and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore.

Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:24 pm
by Juli
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:26 pm
by Juli
Q: What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A: A schitzu-frenic.

say it out loud if you don't get it...

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:26 pm
by Juli
This post brought to you by Siegfried and Roy...

My brother called me the other day and said that he had watched the Siegfried and Roy Special on NBC. I asked him how Roy looked. He said "like something the cat dragged in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you get a tiger off?
With a fire extinguisher.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:30 pm
by Juli
Dear Pets:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two pets in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of pets sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize the space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other pet's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want pet hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a pet. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Pets are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the babies

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:40 pm
by Juli
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua.

As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:41 pm
by Juli
A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rather than shoot it to get the trophy he came for, the man very carefully approaches the elephant and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to limp away, but then turned and stared at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way.

"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

Twenty few years later the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it knows him.

The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look.

With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face.

The elephant reached down... picked the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... then throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn't the same elephant.

Stolen from Randy Cassingham's <JumboJoke>

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:43 pm
by Juli
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance,which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:46 pm
by Juli
This traveling instrument salesman walks into a bar and starts bbragging about his octopus that can play any instrument. The bartender doesn't believe it, so he bets the guy $100 that he can find an instrument the octopus can't play.

While the salesman goes out to get the octopus, the bartender goes out back and brings in a guitar. Sure enough, the octopus crawls all over the guitar and finally starts strumming away.

Unbelieving, the bartender goes to get a different (more difficult) instrument. This time he comes back with a trombone. The octopus crawls all over the trombone, sticking his tentacles everywhere and finally starts playing it.

"I just can't believe this," the bartender says. So this time he goes for his uncle's old bagpipes, certain that the octopus can't have seen one of these before. Just like before the octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He keeps sticking his tentacles in every hole and up every pipe. He keeps squeezing the bag and investigating every nook and crany. Finally the bartender says, "I guess I've won this bet!" But the salesman says, "Wait just a minute. Once he figures out he can't fuck it, he'll play it."

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:46 pm
by Juli
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years.

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:49 pm
by Juli
The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini to the deep.

More than a little embarrased she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy who was following his mother to the beach asked, "Are you carrying puppies in there?", pointing to her arms.

Not wanting to explain what had really happened the woman replied, " Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:50 pm
by Juli
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"