Animal Antics.

[MalcolmR]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at that manager very calmly and said, "Meow."

[MalcolmR]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says "It's got epilepsy".
The vet says "It looks calm enough to me."
Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the fucking bowl yet!"

[graham]

A fly was flying along one day, when he noticed a tiny insect on his back.

"Hey," he said, "are you a mite?"

"I mite be", replies the insect.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", says the fly.

"Well," comes the reply, "I only made it up on the fly..."

[graham]

Interesting fact: You can tell the sex of ants by putting them in water...

If the ant sinks it's a girl ant.

If it floats, it's buoyant!

[MalcolmR]

"Two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted.' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!'"

[frodi]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet....

So he went to the pet store and told the owner hat he wanted to buy an unusual pet....

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.....

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.....

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today...? We will have a good time"....

But there was no answer from his new pet....

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,"How about going down the pub with me"...?

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation...==

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.....

This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me"....?

This time, a little voice came out of the box, ''I heard you the first time! I 'm putting my fucking shoes on"....!!!

[Gimpy]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The super market manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

[kellylorraine]

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."

Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."

"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."

"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."

So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."

So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."

Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."

"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."

"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."

So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."

Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."

So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."

Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."

"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."

"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."

So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."

So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."

Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.

Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."

So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"

[kellylorraine]

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes, so he calls emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

The operator said "Well, are they moving?"

"I don't know" he said "but that would explain the suitcase."

[MalcolmR]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience

[frodi]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a double whisky.

The bar mans says “you are in here pretty often, do you think you may be an alcoholic?

The horse replies “I don’t think I am"- and completely vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about the philosopher Descartes, who said “I think, therefor I am”

But, to explain that part before the rest of the joke, would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[MalcolmR]

A guy was driving by a farm when he witnessed a three legged pig herding sheep. He was so amazed by the sight that he had to stop and tell the farmer how impressive it was.
The farmer said to the man, " you think that's impressive. That pig once pulled me out from under my tractor when it tipped over and pinned me down." The man could only mutter his amazement.
The farmer went on to tell the man that he had once fallen into the creek, didn't know how to swim and the pig jumped in and pulled him out. The man was in total awe of the pig and asked the farmer how the pig lost its leg.
"Well, the farmer explained, you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

[graham]

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

[frodi]

A current Zim joke.
The Zim Judicial System

Antelope was running like Mad!
Elephant asked: Why are you running?
Antelope: They are Arresting All Goats.
Elephant: But you are not a Goat?
Antelope: It will take me minimum Two Years to prove that in
a Zimbabwean Court.
Elephant too started running.

[graham]

The swordfish has no natural predators it needs to fear...

... except for the penfish which is supposed to be even mightier...

[Bomber]

Sadie goes into a pet shop, immediately spotting a large colourful parrot.
The price tag is $5.00. "Why so little, sir?," she asks. The owner looks at her, says, "Look, Lady, I gotta tell ya - this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, so ta speak - and sometimes says some fairly vulga stuff."
The woman thinks about it, deciding she just has to have the bird anyway and takes it home, puts the bird cage in the living room waiting for it to say something. The bird slowly looks around the room, then at her and says, "New house, new madam." The woman is just shocked at the implication but thinks, "Gee, that's not really so bad."
Her two teenage daughters return from school and the bird sees them come in and says, "New house, new madam, new girls." They are a just a little bit offended - then begin to laugh about the situation.
A bit later Sadie's husband Morris comes home from the pub. The bird looks at him and says, "Hi, Morris."

[graham]

[graham]

[Bomber]

Harry had an African grey bird and a Golden Retriever for many, many years. And as is the circle of life, they both grew old and passed away. He was terribly lonely. He missed talking with his bird and he missed the Shabbat walks that he used to take on the beach with his Retriever. . He wanted to get a new pet that would fill the void - but as he was getting on in years, he realized that they both required more work than he was up to. . Harry decided to go the pet shop just for the hoot and to look around. When he got there , the owner asked him if he could be of help. After telling the owner how lonely he was without his dog & his talking bird, the owner took him into a small room and told him that he had come to the right place as it just so happened, he had the perfect pet for Harry. The owner took out a carved wooden box and explained to him, that inside the box was a talking centipede. Not only did he talk but the box was the size of a large matchbox, so Harry could bring him on his Shabbos walks with him. Best of all he was easy to take care of - as the wooden box was his home.
Of course Harry did not believe him and asked the pet shop owner to prove it to him that the centipede could actually talk.
The owner took his finger and tapped on the box and said “ hello in there. How are you today?” A little voice replied “ fine thank you and you?” Harry sad “ I”ll take it!” And an hour later the wooden box with the centipede was on his dresser.
After a while, he decided to take his new pet for a Shabbat walk and tapped gently on the box.
“ Hello In there. Would you like to go for a walk on the beach with me?”
There was no answer.
Again Harry tapped gently on the box and said “ yoo hoo in there. Would you like to go for a walk on the beach with me?”
Again no answer.
Harry started to get upset and this time put his mouth very close to the box, and in a loud voice said “ hello in there!! Would you like to join me for a walk on the beach?”
From inside the box came a little voice ; “Yo, What a nudnik! I heard you the first time !”
“ Well then, why didnt you answer me?” Harry asked.
The centipede replied; “ I’m tying my shoes!”

[frodi]

Weight watchers

I was at weight watchers club last night,
whilst trying to quietly open a bag of M & M's the bag split and emptied over the floor..

whilst I was sad at the loss of my sweets.. I did get to see the best game of hungry hippos ever..

[graham]

[frodi]

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands. A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was. He said “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”.
The fairy godmother said “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”.
The bloke asked “How do I do that ?”
The fairy godmother replied “Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”.
The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere! He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on. He said “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!”
The fairy godmother replied “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!”🤣

[MalcolmR]

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"